Small girl in a Big World

Dachau Concentration Camp

2010-01-11T23:17:00.004Z

Just been to the Dachau Concentration Camp Memorial. This is the most upsetting picture I have ever seen in my life.

I don't think I have much else to say, this post is not about me.

2009-03-18T12:00:00.002Z

Hahahaha oh my, never thought the day would dawn where I would get an offer of acceptance from King's College, Queen Mary's and UCL. I don't believe it myself!

2008-08-20T11:07:00.003+01:00

Ground Zero 2008. Oh my god I can't wait. Words can't even begin to describe what it is and how fooooooking excited I am about it. Wait for post-GZ pics and they'll speak a thousand words!!!

2008-06-18T02:35:00.007+01:00

Good news all around. =D

1stly, I've been offered an unconditional acceptance by Queen Mary's, UoL, for their international foundation course (IFC). This not only means I can stay on for another year, but it also means I'm very likely to get into a history or war-studies course in QM, as well as apply for my UK PR since I'll have been here for 5 years when I finish the IFC. Things are looking up!

2ndly, I've been having a lot of fun doing something I've always wanted to do but never quite was able to start doing.

A picture is worth a thousand words:

Airsoft Skirmish! In a nutshell, shooting people and getting shot at. =D

Say hello to Elvira, my HK G36K/C hybrid =D

2008-04-28T01:28:00.003+01:00

Schindler's List just aired on ITV3.

It's been 100 years to the day since one of the most noble and courageous of men of the 20th century was born. Lets take a moment to remember and respect Oskar Schindler.

The man himself was born 28 April, 1908, in Svitavy, Moravia, then part of Austria-Hungary, now Czech Republic. In 1939, he joined the Nazi Party.
An opportunistic businessman, he was one of many who sought to profit from the German invasion of Poland in 1939. Schindler gained ownership of a factory in Kraków from a Jewish industrialist named Nathan Wurzel, under Nazi Germany's Aryanization policies. Schindler, on Wurzel's advice, renamed the factory Deutsche Emaillewaren-Fabrik, or DEF, to manufacture enamelware. He obtained around 1,000 Jewish slave labourers to work there with the help of his Jewish accountant Itzhak Stern.

Schindler soon adapted his lifestyle to his income. He became a well-respected guest on SS parties, having easy chats with high-ranking SS officers, often for his benefit. Initially Schindler may have been motivated by money — hiding wealthy Jewish investors, for instance — but later he began shielding his workers without regard for cost. He would, for instance, claim that unskilled workers were essential to the factory. Harming his workers would result in complaints and demands for compensation from the government.

While witnessing a 1942 raid on the Kraków Ghetto, where soldiers were used to round up the inhabitants for shipment to the concentration camp at Płaszów, Schindler was appalled by the murder of many of the Jews who had been working for him. He was a very persuasive individual, and after the raid, increasingly used all of his skills to protect his Schindlerjuden ("Schindler's Jews"), as they came to be called.

Schindler went out of his way to take care of the Jews who worked at DEF, often calling on his legendary charm and ingratiating manner to help his workers get out of difficult situations. Once, says author Eric Silver in The Book of the Just, "Two Gestapo men came to his office and demanded that he hand over a family of five who had bought forged Polish identity papers. 'Three hours after they walked in,' Schindler said, 'two drunk Gestapo men reeled out of my office without their prisoners and without the incriminating documents they had demanded'".

The special status of his factory ("business essential to the war effort") became the decisive factor for his efforts to support his Jewish workers. Whenever the "Schindler Jews" were threatened with deportation he could claim exemptions for them. Wives, children and even handicapped persons were showed to be necessary mechanics and metalworkers. He arranged with Amon Göth, the commandant of Plaszow, for 700 Jews to be transferred to an adjacent factory compound, where they would be relatively safe from the depredations of the German guards. Schindler also reportedly began to smuggle children out of the ghetto, delivering them to Polish nuns, who either hid them from the Nazis or claimed they were Christian orphans.

As the Red Army drew nearer to Auschwitz and the other easternmost concentration camps, the SS began evacuating the remaining prisoners westward. Schindler persuaded the SS officials to allow him to move his 1,100 Jewish workers to Brněnec in Nazi-occupied Czechoslovakia, thus sparing the Jews from certain death in the extermination camps. In Brněnec, he gained another former Jewish factory, where he was supposed to produce missiles and hand grenades for the war effort. However, during the months that this factory was running, not a single weapon produced could actually be fired. Hence Schindler made no money; rather, his previously earned fortune was getting steadily smaller from bribing officers and caring for his workers.

Oskar Schindler's motives for the great humanity and courage he displayed, have been the subject of much discussion. There has often been speculation as to whether there was a deeper motivation. He was once quoted as saying:

"I knew the people who worked for me... When you know people, you have to behave toward them like human beings."

The writer Herbert Steinhouse, who interviewed Schindler in 1948 at the behest of some of the surviving Schindlerjuden, said:

"Oskar Schindler's exceptional deeds stemmed from just that elementary sense of decency and humanity that our sophisticated age seldom sincerely believes in. A repentant opportunist saw the light and rebelled against the sadism and vile criminality all around him. The inference may be disappointingly simple, especially for all amateur psychoanalysts who would prefer the deeper and more mysterious motive that may, it is true, still lie unprobed and unappreciated. But an hour with Oskar Schindler encourages belief in the simple answer."

Whatever his motives, there is no denying that 1200 people would very well have not survived past WW2, and the subsequent descendants of these 1200 Schindlerjuden would not exist in this world today.

So heres my tribute, my bit of respect and admiration for a man who had the courage to keep his humanity when people all around him were losing theirs. Mr Schindler, Sir, you have my deepest respects. I salute you.

2008-03-26T21:24:00.002Z

Ah........

Now that people think this blog is dead, I might perhaps reclaim it for myself and start putting thoughts down here again.

I have lots and lots to write about. Strange that one needs to be feeling discontent to make for entries which are interesting reads. Afterall, who wants to read about what you had for breakfast this morning?

Will post more as I come up with new stuff to write about. At the moment, the long and short is that I'm moving onto a new period in my life... we'll see how that goes.

2008-03-18T01:10:00.003Z

THE story of the first ever Para to have a sex change is to be told in a Channel 4 documentary.
Sex Change Soldier tells the story of Parachute Regiment Captain Ian Hamilton, 43, who last year had sex change surgery and is now known as Jan.

Before the op Ian was one of the British Army’s most decorated officers following service in Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland and Bosnia.

Sex Change Soldier is on C4, March 20, 9pm

Jan's Story:

It's the Airborne creed - "1000, 2000, 3000, check canopy!" - the litany that Paratroopers shout as they hurl themselves into the void, hoping and praying for the crack of the canopy as their parachute opens to bring them to Earth. This time, as the chant left my lips, I wasn't jumping into a war zone with the world's finest fighting unit. This time, I wasn't a Captain in the Parachute Regiment. This time, I wasn't part of the esprit of Britain's elite warriors.

I was alone, strapped to a hospital trolley halfway around the world in Thailand, and about to undergo 12 hours of irreversible surgery by a surgeon I had met barely 24 hours before. Surgery that would leave me, in the eyes of the world, a woman. From this day on, nobody would ever look at me and see a man. It was the culmination of the hopes and dreams of 42 years of secret longing. I was terrified.

As Ian, I had endured bullets, bombs and rockets, caused the death of men in combat and seen my own soldiers killed. I had been decorated by my country for serving overseas, endured the toughest selection processes the Army could devise and served in every major conflict of the past 20 years.
But nothing could have prepared me for the moral courage I've had to call on to make my transition from Captain Ian Hamilton, 16-stone Paratrooper with 14in biceps, to Jan Hamilton, an 11-stone, size-12 woman.

Just ten months earlier, I had been training troops for operations. The last picture taken of me in uniform is still painful to look at. I sent it to a close relative, who surprised me by replying that she felt sorry for me.

She said: "Your eyes are dead" She was right.

I had clawed my way back into uniform following six months of painful rehabilitation after returning, wounded by a roadside bomb, from Afghanistan. I had done it all by myself – the Army didn't care if I got fit again or not.

My unit did not write to me once during that time. I'm afraid it's the same for any wounded serviceman. Whenever you're off the radar, you get left to your own devices. But I was forced to undergo endless physical and mental evaluations before they accepted me back. I gave them the answers they wanted to hear: "Yes, sir, good to crack on...Ready for anything, sir."

I applied for, and won against nine other candidates, a job running media operations in Gibraltar. I should have been ecstatic but I was deeply unhappy. I couldn't go on living as a man. All my life I had fought against the knowledge that I was different. I had done everything I could to live up to the ideal of a tough action man. I had even thought I was deranged not to be satisfied with my lot. I started therapy for my confusion – what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be happy as I was?

The answer was simple, the consequences devastating. My only way to happiness was to become the woman I had longed to be. My only other apparent solution was suicide. Over Christmas last year, I contemplated that awful act every day. I even tried to hang myself just before New Year.
In March, I told the Army that I had gender dysphoria, which means that while my brain was wired as a girl, my body was that of a man.

I sent them psychiatric evaluations and copies of the law. But they ordered me to report for a medical as Ian. I refused to go as a man because legally that was no longer the case. I had changed my name to Jan by deed poll that same month. The Army's response was to remove me from my post. Lawyers became involved and I waited for an answer.

But there was nothing, not even one phone call from my commanding officer in six months. No meetings, no offer of compromise. Nothing – except a warning from him, delivered by letter, that I would be court-martialled if I appeared in the Press.

The feelings of emptiness that this rejection provoked are indescribable. I had believed in the Army and had served my country when asked.
I didn't want to leave. Yes, I knew I would be different, but surely my knowledge and skills could be useful. There are at least three other transgender servicewomen in the Army.

I went to my Commanding Officer for help, but he didn't want to know. No one would speak to me face-to- face. Eventually a senior officer in my regiment rang. "You've gone from hero to zero in one day," he declared angrily.

Even my parents turned their backs on me – they sent a box with my possessions by courier, and a letter signed by them and my two brothers.
It read: "Our son is dead – never contact us again."

I was devastated. It was a high price to pay for my personal happiness, but I drew on Ian's strength and courage. It was as if he existed separately from my new female persona, Jan. Through days of pain – bad, bad days when I looked like a rugby player in a dress and was an object of ridicule – Ian's determination, honed and nurtured as a Parachute Regiment officer, kept me alive.

It took me to this basic but well-equipped Thai hospital, waiting for the operation that would begin his physical demise. The body I had lived with for 42 years was about to be irrevocably changed by facial-feminisation surgery and breast augmentation in the first stage of my transformation into a woman.

I felt suddenly frightened. Jan, on her own, would not have had the courage even to get on the plane to fly here. But the spirit of the man who had, by his sheer anger, drive and determination, sustained me through a lifetime of pretending, of hidden despair, was going to perish, too.

Plastic surgeons abound. But there are only about half a dozen in the world who can turn a man's face into a woman's. The male skull is so different – a man's protruding brow, the crook of the nose, the shape of the eyebrows, the curl of the lip, the heaviness of the features. A man's skull is designed for the hunt, for combat.

A woman's skull is designed for forage. The forehead and orbital bones are flat, allowing greater width of vision, the better to spot roots, plants and fruits for gathering, to watch over errant offspring. The features are softer, more curved, more open, more sexually provocative. Having decided on sex-reassignment surgery, I had opted to alter my face and breasts first because it was important for people to see me the way I saw myself. To show Jan at her physical best. After all, the face is one of the more obvious ways of identifying a person.

You can get away with different body shape – no one knows what's inside your underwear. But Ian had a very masculine face and it meant that people stared at me all the time. I wanted Jan to look the best that she could. I spent several months researching doctors before the internet led me to Dr Suporn Watanyusakul.

A small man – he stands a mere 5ft 4in – he has worked on thousands of lost souls like me. His clients are a melting pot of colours, shapes, sizes and accents from across the globe, all united with the visceral, yet almost inexplicable, desire to become women. All so different, yet strangely all similar in our tales of despair, rejection, abuse, hurt and suffering.
Desperation is our common currency – desperation somehow to become who we believe ourselves to be.

The women, for that is what we believe ourselves to be, in Dr Suporn's clinic bear no resemblance to Danny La Rue or Lily Savage. We are not drag queens, we are not pantomime dames. For us, there is no sexual kick to be had in dressing as a woman. This is not a fantasy to be exercised in the bedroom.

In every case, mine included, we have given up everything because we cannot exist in the body we were born with. And so, six months after legally changing my name to Jan, six months after that memorable day when I received my passport as Jan, marked "Gender: F", I was about to become who I was always intended to be.

I had lost my job, my home, my career and my life savings. I had been disowned by my family and my Regiment, been attacked, beaten up, spat at, laughed at in the street. All of that was about to become meaningless, absolved, next to the prize I so desired.

I had arrived at the hospital clutching a picture of Sophia Loren, who has always been an idol because she is both glamorous and intelligent.
I said that I wanted to look like her. It was not an unrealistic request. Dr Suporn said that I already had her prominent cheekbones and that he could give me her striking almond-shaped eyes – but, sadly, not the nose.
Dr Suporn asked me to remove my top. He smiled his reassuring smile and marked my body with an ink pen to guide his scalpel.

He has the most gentle hands and the most caring nature. It was almost as if he was apologising for having to hurt me in doing his work. I have rarely met such an extraordinary man. For all the fear, for all the bravado that had got me here, I felt God was with me, guiding the doctor's hand.

In the operating theatre, my arms and legs were strapped down, almost ironically for a Christian, into a crucifix position. Needles were inserted into my arms, monitors strapped to my fingers.

The anaesthetist asked me: "Why is your heart rate only 46?" I replied: "I run a lot." As I did so, I saw Ian rise from my body. He turned and told me: "You've not been well but now it's going to be OK. You're going to be beautiful." And I went to sleep.

For 12 hours Dr Suporn and his nine-strong team laboured away. My face was literally removed, as in the sci-fi movie Face/Off, then my forehead was sawn off, reshaped and screwed back on with titanium bolts. The orbital bones around my eyes were ground down, my nose broken, the bone shaved and reformed, the cartilage trimmed.

The skin was then reattached and lifted so that my original jawline is now basically on top of my forehead – the scar line runs, Frankenstein-like, from ear to ear.

To complete the look, my eyelids were cut in half and sewn back together, tugged into a feline almond shape. My flat lips were cut and squeezed into a Bardot pout. Hair wefts were transplanted to fill what nature and age had removed from my receding hairline.

Also, I had wanted to remove my tiny Adam's apple, but the surgeon said it wasn't necessary. Apparently many women have one. Instead, he did extra work under my eyes. He decided, too, that my jawline, although strong, didn't need to be reduced.

Although I lost a lot of blood (I never asked how much), the surgery went well. In preparation for the operation I had lost five stone through diet and cardiovascular training. I was, according to the medical staff, one of the fittest patients they had ever worked on.

I awoke from my surgical sleep the next day, feeling sore and a little groggy.
At first I thought I hadn't had the operation. I had no sense of the passage of time and was quite annoyed. Until, that is, Dr Suporn gave me a mirror. He had warned me before the operation that I would look like a car-crash victim.

He was right.

My head was encased in bandages. Only my eyes and mouth were visible, and both looked incredibly swollen. My chest, too, was bound like a mummy – Dr Suporn had inserted breast implants through tiny incisions under my armpits, giving me a very womanly 36D cup size.

I remember laughing, more like a tortured grimace, and asking him: "So, what does the other guy look like?" I spent five days on that hospital bed, too weak to move, half delirious on morphine and antibiotics, being gently fed spoonfuls of cold chicken soup. I won't deny there was a great deal of pain to deal with, but nothing I couldn't handle. My eyes were fixed on the prize.

A good and dear friend sent me flowers, a wonderful display of white lilies – my favourite. Nobody else phoned or sent messages of support. The staff, kind and solicitous as they were, spoke no English. I just lay there all alone. I did an awful lot of crying.

On the fifth day, I tried to stand with two tiny Thai nurses on either side to support me. I could barely raise my body off the bed. A week earlier, I had been in the best physical condition of my life. Now, I couldn't even put one foot in front of the other. They discharged me from hospital, much to my relief, after a week. Just seeing the outside world, smelling the air without a terrible antiseptic taint, lifted my spirits.

I spent a further three weeks in a hotel room, letting my body heal – and my spirit, too. I had never properly said goodbye to Ian. The tears flowed for hours as I remembered my life. Ian's life.

Now, as I looked at this new person in the mirror, I marvelled at Dr Suporn's skill. The bruising faded within days, the scars minimal.
My eyes suddenly seemed so open, my peripheral vision doubled. At first, I didn't recognise that reflection as me. I looked back at a girl's face, somehow reminiscent of Ian. It struck me that I looked like the sister Ian never had. We will always have that bond, even though he has gone.

Since returning home, my body and my spirit have continued to heal, though I still have numbness at the top of my head. Finally, after so much longing, I know what it's like to wake in the morning and be centred in who I am. I no longer need to prepare for a daily acting job like no other.

My body is lapping up the female hormones I consume each day and slowly shaping into that of a woman's. I have become curvy, my skin softer, and muscle has atrophied at a staggering rate. It made me realise that it must have been a close call that made me a man. My hands have always been too small for a man – catching a rugby ball was always a joke for me. My feet, too, are too small for normal male Army boots, although even they are starting to shrink.

I had told the Army what I was doing before I left for Thailand. I returned to find that the Parachute Regiment has barred me from its annual dinner this year. As the Regimental Association secretary put it: "We don't have women." I have to leave the Regiment regardless – women are barred from the Airborne.

The dinner would have been the last I would have attended, my dining out enshrined as a departing officer's right. It's hard not to be bitter but I suppose at least the Airborne have acknowledged me as a woman now.

The Army hasn't paid me, or enquired after my welfare, for six months. Yet I still can't quite let go. I still look for news from the war. I have lost two friends this year to add to the others who have gone. I miss many of those I served with – the camaraderie and the banter. I've been told I was naive in expecting the Army to support me, but I can't let it go on breaking my heart. Enough is enough.

I am suing for constructive dismissal and gender discrimination. I still pray someone senior in the Army will call to explain what has happened, to invite me back. Until then, I have no choice. My reputation and integrity have been sullied.

It is what Ian would have expected of me.

A woman stopped me in the street last week, completely unbidden, and told me I had made her day because I was so elegant. When I hear things like that, my heart fills with happiness. I am on my way to becoming a woman. The Army can continue to reject me, but it can no longer hurt me.

I will go back to Thailand early next year to have genital surgery. It will hurt again. It will take time to recover. This time, though, Ian has prepared the ground for me.

I have a picture of him in Afghanistan on my mantelpiece, all muscles, sweaty and grime-laden. I will take him to Thailand with me in my heart.
This will be the last journey, the last incision. It's a journey Jan will willingly take alone because, for me, the sheer joy of being a woman is worth any price.

2007-12-19T16:08:00.000Z

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no.......

Been awhile since I've been in this mood...

How are things thus far? Used to be that, like most Singaporeans, I always thought one year doing nothing is a year wasted. Oh, how I rue the social conditioning that gave me that mindset. The reality is, a year out is a year to refresh, recharge oneself. I feel so much happier each day now, it doesn't seem a waste at all. Oh I'm sure I'll have my detractors but unlike most of you high fliers, I intend not to burn out by 30. Too many of us don't stop to smell the roses... indeed, the only time you finally stop to appreciate any kind of flowers, they're the ones your grieving relatives have stuck in front of a black and white formal photograph of yourself, placed in front of your coffin at your wake...

2007-08-31T15:40:00.000+01:00

I've had enough of engineering I think. I love cars like guys love sex but dear lord, engineering is so not my cup of tea. I simply don't get enough hands-on pratical experience. Welding a spanner is more my thing than welding a calculator. Now I'm thinking about dropping out of university and going to get a Higher Nationa Diploma (HND) in automotive studies instead, hopefully something that includes an apprenticeship with some car workshop. Hopefully I can continue getting a visa to stay in the UK too. We'll see how it goes.

2007-07-19T16:30:00.000+01:00

As flight QF010 left Heathrow Terminal 4 at 2205GMT last night, as we flew over the web of twinkling lights that is London, all I could think was how beautiful London really is, and how it truely feels like home to me now. London is where the heart is...

2007-07-17T09:26:00.000+01:00

Well, from my profile, anyone can guess that I am a BIGGGGG STAR WARS FAN/GEEK/NERD. And I'm proud of that, because, sorry Star Trek, Harry Potter and LotR fans, there has not been a finer or more genre-defining movie for the entire fantasy/sci-fi genre than Star Wars.

And thus, it was with great delight and wide-eyed wonder that I attended the Star Wars 30th Anniversary Celebration Europe in ExCeL London on Sunday. What a crowd! What an experience! I probably met the entire Imperial High Command including: Emperor Palpatine himself, Lord Vader(of course!), Grand Admiral Thrawn, Admiral Piett, lots of Jedis and Sith, Stormies, Scout Troopers, Imperial Commandos, Imperial Pilots, Clone Troopers, Rebel-Alliance Naval Troopers, Rebel Pilots, Boba Fett(!!!), R2-D2, Kit Fisto(sp?), Jabba the Hutt, Darth Maul...

Words just simply can't do the encounters justice. Neither do pictures but I'll put up what I have to allow u a glimpse of the wonder and excitement. =D

The ominous Death Star hovers overhead, greeting all visitors

Detaining a suspected separatist sympathiser

Darth Maul prepares to cut me down

Jedi Master Kit Fisto

Old Republic-era Jedi & Sith

Boba Fett negotiates his fee for his latest bounty

Fett's client, the ubiquitous Jabba the Hutt

Jedi Knight Leia Organa Solo and a fellow Jedi

Classic R2 D2

Princess Leia as a kid =D

Rebel Naval Officers confer with a young Jedi

Stormies incoming!!!

Rebel pilots(possibly Jek Porkins and John D) take a snap with my mate

Another Rebel pilot teaches the finer points of

snowspeeder maneuvering to a future pilot

His Royal Highness Emperor Palpatine obliges loyal

Imperial citizens with a photo(force lightning not included)

Sith Lord Darth Vader

Grand Admiral Thrawn

Possibly the finest Imperial Grand Admiral

who ever lived

Admiral Piett(probably) salutes

Imperial Ensign perfecting his aura of

Imperial arrogance

Another bunch of Imperial officers

Notice once again the classic Imperial stance adopted by the male officer on the left - gaunt, predatory & hungry for power.

We've got you now Rebel scum! (He's just a kid!)

A Stormtrooper gives a smart salute

Imperial pilots - fearless, loyal &

dedicated to their cause

You there! Halt! Hand those droids over now!

Scout trooper on speeder bike

Snowtrooper in action

The fearsome Imperial Commandos

Searching for missing droids on the hot arid

world of Tatooine can be very hard work

On-going planning for yet another

Imperial operation to wipe out the Rebels

Star Wars characters gather for a snap at the end of the very successful and enjoyable

Star Wars Celebration Europe 2007

Lord Vader takes the chance to kick back and show off his culinary skills, serving up what many Star Wars fans have been long waiting for - the death of JAR JAR BINKS! HURRAY!!!

2007-06-23T04:30:00.000+01:00

Exams are over, loads of free time. So why haven't I been posting much?

Ladies and Gents, I guiltily admit the reason...

TADAH!

'Nuff said =P

2007-05-20T02:16:00.000+01:00

Bored of listening to the stuff u normally get? Want a recommendation? Try Mindless Self Indulgence aka MSI.

I won't tell u what genre of music it is, but watch this and u'll either hate them to high hell or think they're the next best thing since sex.

SHUT ME UP - MSI

2007-03-08T04:43:00.000Z

Ill. =(

Being worked into the grave. And I'm not even a graduate yet.

I hate engineering.

*cries*

And while I'm ranting, I wanna get this off a chest. Heard ths bi girl say this about transexuals:

If I want a guy I want him to be a man. If I want a girl I want her to be a girl. I don't get the point of people who are neither here nor there, in-betweens just disgust me.

Well ain't it all dandy. I'd love to point out the DELICIOUS IRONY OF A IN-BETWEEN saying that. I mean seriously hun, wtf are u? BI? YOU, are neither gay nor straight. No bigger IN-BETWEEN than yourself, u close-minded, short-sighted bat. And she wonders why she's single and lonely all the time. Maybe its the fact that its not easy, no, make that IMPOSSIBLE, to be with an idiot who has shit for brains.

And u'd think queer people are open minded. Pop into Singapore for a visit, and while there ARE nice gay people around, u'd be surprised by HOW close-minded Singaporeans are, even though they might be gay. Girls who throw ignorant pathetic lines at my gf (in a sad and hilariously unsuccessful attempt) like "oh don't u want a real girl?" Hey guess wot? The more ignorant u sound to my gf, dahlings, the more shes going to think u're a berk n get turned off. Yea so keep up the gooood work because having a penis does not make me a guy. I'd advise u to read some proper psychology textbooks but I doubt u'd comprehend anything anyway so I'll save my time and yours.

Next up, I'm getting sick of fridae. All I ever get are disgusting pervy guys sending me hearts. Like, fuck that really. The last thing i want u to be doing when u have "looking for sex with TG" and a pic of you that doesn't show your face and only yr underwear is to be sending me hearts. I don't DO sex, unless u're a) partially a girl at heart, b) My gf. So no. U'll get NO return hearts. Now go find a goat and get yrself off.

2007-02-15T03:51:00.000Z

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

<3

On a sadder note, one of my girl gang, the Kenyan girl Mel, has had to stop her studies in UK and fly back to USA because her student loan ran into problems and nobody would give her a study loan anymore. =( She left us on Valentine's Day morning, 11am GMT. We (the girl gang) miss her already.

2007-01-24T04:50:00.000Z

Already exams are over less than a week and school is hotting up again. Oh well.

It's 5am and it's snowing outside. I went out for a romp in the snow on the spur of the moment. It was very serene. I loved it. =)

2007-01-10T18:31:00.000Z

Boo hoo hoo. I think the Jan exams are coming as a shock to us. Its one thing when I fail papers. It's another when my girl gang is failing too. So far 4 papers down, I think I've failed 3, which isn't that shocking. What's shocking is that I might be joined in my predicament by at least another 2 or 3 of my girl gang. Jen was like >.< after the math paper on monday. Doesn't bode well... resits, here we come. =S

2006-12-27T08:00:00.000Z

It's really been some time since I posted anything. I've been busy juggling revising for the January exams and WoW. Anyways I've not been up to much else. Not much thinking either.

Today tho, I was slipping into one of my old contemplative moods again. In my former life as a "boy" I was more actively involved in the karting scene in Singapore, and I was also slightly involved with motoring enthusiasts. Since leaving for London, I've not been able to replicate the same life.

Thing is, absence of a car and go-kart aside, being a transgirl has made me feel a clash between the scene and my personality. I know girls get involved in the scene too, however traditionally queer interests have never involved cars and the motoring enthusiast scene has often been a macho one. As someone who feels strongly against male chauvinism, I don't see myself fully fitting into the "scene" and even in the past I've never fully felt part of it. I had more success in the go-kart racing scene tho, probably because one of the then top drivers in Singapore was a girl.

However, taking it off the tracks and onto the streets, professionals are often replaced by show-off wannabes who seemingly have a need to prove the size of their balls. For me, racing has always been about 2 things. Having fun, and having pride in doing something I enjoy well. Sure it feels good to beat the other guy but not because it makes me more of a "man" than he is. However a lot of the street attitude is just that, and while I love cars and I would love to be part of the scene, I just don't feel like I can be.

And looking at the more professional scenes like the D1 drift scenes or tuning scenes in UK, I feel its a very predominantly macho scene as well, with the men thinking women can't drive and should just look pretty holding umbrellas and wearing little around the pit lane. As a female driver, I am so put off by the attitudes, but at the same time I do love cars and it saddens me that I haven't been able to indulge in my love and passion and find a bunch of people I could talk to and hang out with, that wouldn't have the sort of attitudes I dislike. Also, I might be paranoid to think this, but I wonder if I introduced myself as a transgirl, would I be further unwelcome into an automotive enthusiast scene? I watch videos of D1 drift series, tuner battles, and even the Fast and Furious series, and it’s just discouraging to see that girls and cars don't quite go together the same way I'd like them to.

Now thinking back to the last event I attended in Singapore this July, for the Tokyo Drift screening in Sentosa, I feel that I just don't fit. Everyone who knew me from before as a guy and saw me, were just bursting to ask me why I looked totally like a girl now. But they didn't, I guess they were being polite. At the same time, they were also being rather cold, as though now that I was obviously "queer" I'm not someone they would really want to associate with. I have to mention a good friend tho, who is a fellow car enthusiast and who obviously never had anything against my being transgendered. Chris, u rox. I hope u're doing well.

Also, I'd like to say Merry Xmas to my ex Qibi, whom I've badly neglected over the past 2 months due to a massive work buildup. I hope things are much better for you now, and that u're much happier now that u have the love of your mom once again. You’ve made me appreciate my own mom that much more, and you've made me think about having kids again and you've made me think about how wonderful it would be to be a mother. You’re the 1st person to properly love me as a girl, and you've endured lots of my quirks. I'm rather sorry that we didn't work out, but nonetheless, I do love you and will always care for you as a friend and a sister. I saw your recent pictures and you're looking as hot and pretty as ever. I also read about that taiwanese girl thing, and I guess I have to say I'm a lil honored and glad to be the one girl u've been with so far. I'm proud of u as well, I dunno why. Maybe because it seems like u're really grown up and very much a woman now. Even if I do not contact you much, you are never far from my thoughts. That is the one thing I sometimes worry, that people whom I love do not know that even in times of non-contact, they are always on my mind and my heart.

All my exes have a little place in my heart, and I kinda didn't realise how true it was until I dreamt of my 1st ex last week. I won't mention her name because she regretted the relationship in the end, but I wish I could tell her I never blamed her and that I wish we were still friends. But I understand that since my existence reminds her of something she regretted, I would willingly be gone from her life forever. I also want to thank the various flings of my life, all of whom made me feel loved even tho the truth hurt when the charade was stopped. I did love all of you, and while in return I wasn’t really loved in return, I really did feel loved.

I also feel apologetic towards a girl who, back in 2004, had such a big crush on me, but whose feelings I did not reciprocate. I am truly sorry, but the only reason I had no feelings for you was that we simply did not connect on a mental level. That to me, is the most important foundation stone of any relationship, without which, I simply cannot be in one. I guess you have to see it as a blessing in disguise, for had we gotten together you would have to deal with the reality of the boy u loved turning into a girl in less than a year’s time.

I also wanna tell my mom and dad how much I love them and appreciate what they do for me, even if their naggings does annoy me sometimes. I have to be especially thankful to my mom who did not explode at me, or being judgmental, but simply taking it calmly and acceptingly, even if she may not understand it, when I told her about me. Sometimes I do wonder if they did want a daughter afterall, and I do hope that someday I can tell dad as well. Also to my younger brother, who’ve become an adult in his own right. Younger siblings never stop being your baby brother or baby sister tho, and it can be hard to see that they’re now rational adults like u are. In fact sometimes I feel like my brother is now older since I perpetually feel like I’m 18 yrs old lol.

Finally I really want to thank my faithful readers and friends who’ve supported me, who weren’t judgmental about me being a transgirl, who’ve stood by me in many ways. I know that my neglect of you lot for 2 whole months is quite unpardonable. I humbly seek your forgiveness, and I also just want to tell u how much I love u all. And to my girl gang in uni, u know who u are. I love ya all. You’ve made uni that much easier to bear for me. My 1st year without u was hell since it was all boys and it totally irked me. Our little bastion of feminity in an almost all male faculty has made it easier for me to feel welcome. Anyways, this is sort of my “end of year muse”, as a sincere(but inadequate I know) to atone for my sin of neglect. You all rock, so keep rocking on and take care. Cheers and here’s to a wonderful 2007. =)

Love and kisses,
Emily

2006-12-15T04:31:00.000Z

Wee totally pulled it off. Awesome.

Happily WoWing. Had a busy day today. I hope things will be goin well for me today. =)

To the ones I love, u know who u are, I'm missing u all lots. Can't wait to see u all again =), whether in the immediate future or distant future.

<333333333

2006-12-08T05:30:00.000Z

Heya peeps. I've disappeared for a looong time I know. I'm sooo sorry. Schoolwork is intense, and more recently, I've started playing WoW. World of Warcraft *horror*

>.<

I'll understand if u wanna pelt me with rotton eggs =(

Got a presentation in 6 hours, not looking forward to it. At least I have some nice androygnous formal clothes to wear... Ok actually they're female clothes but lol I should be able to pull it off. =D

Wish me luck and tae care, all of ya

to the people i love: <3>

2006-11-01T02:17:00.000Z

Conservatism sucks.

It makes people think they have the right to judge others. It also makes them sanctimonious assholes even when they're probably not the least bit religious.

Want an example? Look up MDA's exact words on the reality show they fined Starhub for.

"It contained footages of a woman engaging in lesbian sex acts with another woman. While pixilation was used during the sex scenes, it was still obvious to viewers that the women were naked and engaging in unnatural sex acts. The programme also showed the woman tied to a bed in a bondage session with two other women. The visuals were deemed to be sexually suggestive and offensive to good taste and decency.

The programme also promotes lesbianism as a lifestyle, which breaches the Programme Code. The woman manages to get her boyfriend to accept her lifestyle and to invite other people to engage in threesomes with them."

Hey MDA, get some brains. 1stly, Theres nothing fucking wrong being gay. It's time u updated your common sense to be in fucking line with the 21st century. U can't on one hand have dear PM Lee saying Singapore needs to be at the forefront of the 21st century and on the other act like u're still in the middle ages can u?

Next, please note that there is no such rubbish as a "gay lifestyle". Your idea of a "gay lifestyle" is that as long as u're gay, u have a "gay lifestyle", nevermind if one's a "tv dinner sit-at-home-and-rot" slob, a "Oxford chess club president" sort of bookish genius or the "Soho punk club regular" raver sort. Ok, screw that yea? Lifestyle, my dear misguideds, are not determined by sexuality. Us lesbians? Some of us are outgoing, some are more quiet, some like sports, some like the arts and cultures, some like the sciences. Some of us are students, some are teachers, some are office workers, some are lawyers, some are artists, some are stylist, some are engineers, some are social workers and some are doctors. How on earth are you going to manage to group all our lifestyles into one simply because of our sexuality? Wake up you ignorant lot.

3rdly, what people get up to in their sex lives is NONE of MDA's business. And anyway, talking about "unnatural sex acts". let me quote 2 famous people who did extensive study and research into sex. U might say they're experts in the topic.

Alfred Kinsey: "The only unnatural sex act is that which YOU cannot perform"

Sigmund Freud: "The only unnatural sexual behavior is NONE at all"

Who is MDA to decide what is natural or unnatural? Can they please produce evidence that they have in their employ, someone of credible certification to show that they have the right to make such a judgment? Or are they just going to tell us they're still making such sanctimonious judgments based on some arcane laws whose country of origin it was adopted from has already dropped them in a sign of social enlightenment and civilized evolution? So suddenly MDA is THE authority on good taste? Wow, are they going to decide whether people are allowed to wear socks with sandals next? If they've got such good taste why do they allow all those stupid ads to air? (A good example being that ad for that stupid Jack Neo show that kept airing in MRT stations with its "Saturday, Sunday something about winning the lottery thing. It drove people mad. Cartoonist Adam Lee even drew a strip on that)

Finally I wonder if MDA even knows what does being lesbian mean? Being lesbian means you ARE NOT INTERESTED IN MEN. Some girl getting her boyfriend to accept her fetish for bondage anal sex and getting him to join in 3somes with her and other girls DOES NOT MAKE HER LESBIAN! It makes her BISEXUAL at best! Morons.

Maybe MDA really stands for Morons Dunno Anything.

2006-10-29T20:21:00.000Z

Had my 1st "ghost press body" encounter. Er, translated literally from mandarin. Went to sleep this morning AFTER the sun's came up. Got woken up by the sound of someone trodding on the plastic bags in my room. My senses just went into hyper state on their own and this sudden fear just hit me even though I'm experienced with the paranormal and am generally not afraid of them. Next thing I know, suddenly something's flung itself onto me. I know it's not just me being in one of those "body locked but mind awake state" because I could feel my pillow sinking down on both sides of my head, as though someone had their hands on my pillow. I fought it and managed to free myself fairly quickly, shrugged and flipped the the left to try to get back to sleep again, although by which time I'm fully awake actually.

Whatever it was, it must have decided that since I didn't seem scared enough, it decided to have another go at me. The great weight came onto me again, and my pillow once again was compressed on both sides. I fought the weight again. Normally people say they can't move at all. The thing was, I could move a bit, which is why I'm sure I wasn't in a state of semi-sleep with my mind awake and body locked in sleep. I actually threw myself off the side of the bed and got free again. This time I got up, went to have a look around my flat to show whatever it was that I wasn't afraid and then went back to sleep. It all happened between 8am and 11am UK time.

Did I mention the flat I live in is haunted?

2006-10-28T03:13:00.000+01:00

Grrr. Mr Laksaman(who doesn't EVEN dare to put a pic of himself up) is being even more irritating. Ok he might be trying to be nice, but I doubt it.

So I PMed him with something thats the gist of my last blog post. He replies:

"hello, wow, i do agree totally . u are a lady from mtf. yes i do like mtf as lady and not sassy gay. i am not gay as such. i very much into mtf and always prefer company of mtf even as lover.if i hav insulted you, my sincere n deep apology . you are nice lady . lest be friend and start from square one ? ok ?"

WTF is "u are a lady from mtf"??? Did some unknown island just declare autonomy and independence from the United Republic of Unknown Islands?

So he does like MTFs as ladies and not "sassy gays". I hardly remember accusing him of seeing us as "sassy gays". However i was more than a mite offended at being seen as a "sissy GUY". ANYHOWS, last i checked his profile, it hasn't changed one bit. A bit obviously fishing n trying his luck ain't it? Not even sincere enough to change his dumbass profile.

"you are nice lady" why thank you but I really find bad english a BIG turn off. So sue me.

"lest be friend" eh? hun if u ain't got enough time to even go back and correct some stupid typo, then u ain't got time for me. If u can't spell "lets", then...... well shit, u expecting me to date something thats dumber than my fuzzy logic washing machine? If u're blind enuf not to notice that OBVIOUS typo, then heck, who's allowing u to use a computer? Or maybe u have so many typos that they've become unnoticable?

so no. no "start from square one". If you're genuinely interested in me, u'd have read my profile. And having read it CAREFULLY, u'd have known im LESBIAN and decided not to try your luck with me. So since u've obviously done so, u either do not respect my sexuality, or the more likely explanation is that u never read it. U simply dun give a shit about my profile, about how I am. U simply did a search of "MTF in London" on Fridae's quick search and I'm just one of the search results. U're obviously and blatantly fishing and hoping to score, and I fucking HATE being just another lucky prize at the coconut shy.

P.S. If you dunno wot a coconut shy is, Google it!!!

2006-10-25T13:18:00.000+01:00

I am mildly annoyed. No thanks to laksaman from fridae.

http://www.fridae.com/personals/?laksaman

He is a gay male who is seeking MTFs. Why? Because...

"...seek for a sissy softly guy whom i wish to pamper n love."

I'm sorry, MTFs are NOT sissy softly GUYS thank you very much. I feel so insulted. Also the notion that just because we're MTFs mean we have to be sissy and soft(WTF is softly?) is so demeaning. Grrrrrrrr. Fucking retarded stereotypes. Even gay people can be ignorant. And people want to prosecute(NOT literally...) me for having no love for Singapore's gay communities. To be honest at least I'm fair in not liking ALL communitites in Sg. No discrimination right? I generally hate them whether they're gay or straight or trans or whatever. Blah.

I hope laksaman realises he wants a MAN who is femme, NOT a MTF.

And for those of u who think im screwed up just because I'm a lesbian MTF(no I don't THINK I'm lesbian. I know I am. And is it that wrong for me to want my body to match who I am inside? Or are u dweebs just people for whom appearing "normal" is so important that u don't mind selling your souls?), you can go blow yourselves because I'm living it up while u're cowering in fear that the real world would one day burst the bubble you live in and drive u nuts.

Those of you nice open smart and understanding people(I <3 all =")">), just do a technorati of my blog name. See who's been talking ignorant shit after The Straits Times article came out. I'm not going to name names here. Not going to tarnish my blog with their urls.

2006-10-20T19:34:00.000+01:00

I've disappeared for 3 days. Disappeared right into the fantasy world of Albion. That's what happens when I start playing Fable: The Lost Chapters. It's so bad, I just stay in all day long and explore this amazing fantasy world I've fallen in love in. And if you think that's bad, this is not even the 1st time I'm playing this game. It's the 3rd!

The 1st time was back in late 2004 when my flatmate in my uni halls had a x-box and he had Fable. I played and loved it. And this jan or feb, my current flatmate downloaded Fable: The Lost Chapters for PC, and I played it again and loved it again. And then I had a new hard disc installed so I lost all of it. So on Wed, I was walking by GAMES when I saw it on offer, 2 for 25 quid and I thought, "I GOTTA HAVE IT!!!"

And so I got it, and I've just been happily in the land of Albion ever since. I can't even begin to explain why I love this game so much. For a start, I think the fact that this game can sort of loosely be set in an ancient time in the British Isles(Albion was the olde Keltic name of Britain, and the people in the game speak with various British accents) appeals a lot to me, as opposed to fantasy games set in fictitious lands. I have to wonder why I keep playing this game as I've already completed it TWICE! Anyways, I've exited the game enough and uh, I'm starting to itch again. So it's back to the land of Albion I go...

2006-10-15T05:22:00.000+01:00

Been at home the past week mostly being ill, sleeping, or later in the week, during moments of painlessness, reading thru engineering magazines concerning applied racing technologies. And sometimes playing GT4. =P Next week I should be well enough to go back to school. Hurray! =D

2006-10-12T15:50:00.000+01:00

Phase... 4? 5? 6? I don't know anymore. Um... Experiencing some new sort of aches in the muscles. I'd cough or stretch or something and apart from the usual tenderness in the muscles, about 2 or 3 seconds later my whole body would stiffen and the muscles would ache in this weird almost rock-stiff way.

I wonder if its because I've forgotten to hydrate myself because I seem to have problems going to the loo again. But I don't feel dehydrated, my lips are not dry. I hope its not codeine related either. It shouldn't be. It's been 72 hours since I 1st took it...

On another note. I've been thinking about what was said on THAT sunday morning. Perhaps I've been a little harsh. People don't do things for no reason. Sometimes their judgement and logic DO get affected by outside factors, and they don't like that happening either, it's just that they can't help themselves? Just because someone is bad for someone else doesn't mean they're a bad person. Anyways I think my friend was right. She was probably bad for her partner too. I was probably overly harsh. I hope both of them find happiness soon.

2006-10-10T14:11:00.000+01:00

Phase 3 of being ill. Let the runs begin! This sux. Now I can't go to Laura n Mel's new place or Candy Bar's 10th anniversary celebrations tonight. =(

2006-10-10T04:26:00.000+01:00

Phase 2 of being ill. Nausea. I've stopped aching in general, only for it to be replaced by this feeling of discomfort. Queasy stomach. I wonder if its because I've had 64mg of codeine in the last.... 10 hours? Maybe I gotta lay off that shit for a while. The initial high was funny. The subsequent "come down" wasn't. Looks like I just have to depend on the panadol extra for awhile.

2006-10-09T17:22:00.000+01:00

Flu. Sick in bed. Urgh.

Just doped myself up on some powerful painkillers (I endured the pain for about 19 hours and i finally gave up) now I feel like my head is flying around detached from my body. >.<

2006-10-06T02:50:00.000+01:00

I dedicate this song to one of my best friends, who's goin thru a rough patch in her relationship, which in my opinion, she shouldn't have to go thru and doesn't need to go thru. I will say how admirable it is she wills the relationship to go on even though she has been treated badly by a self-centered, delusional and selfish partner.

Counting On Me - Korn

Why can't you ever back down?
Why can't you just shut your face?
Oh god the feelings I feel
Would get me thrown in a cage
You're the one who's always screaming at me
I'm the one that keeps your lives so care free
What the fuck more do you want me to be?
Why must you do this to me?

Run away, I can't see
Lead the way, make them pay

Counting, on me.
Always hoping
I'll be
There for all of your problems
and in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You hate everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

You see the pain in my face
While you keep putting me down
Inside the rage starts to build
You push me I won't go down
You're the one who's always screaming at me
I'm the one that keeps your lives so care free
What the fuck more do you want me to be?
Why must you do this to me?

Run away, I can't see
Lead the way, make them pay

Counting, on me.
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
and in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You hate everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

Could it really be the day, today?
Could this really make the problems go away?
I'm going to hurt just not in time

Right now!- I take in all I can now
Right Now!- You've torn us all part
Right Now!- There is nothing you can do to stop me

Right now........

Counting, on me.
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
and in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You hate everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

Counting, on me.
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
and in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You hate everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

2006-09-30T17:09:00.000+01:00

Woburn Safari Park was fun on friday, although driving out of London to the M1 then turning back to drive home because we left the birthday cake in the flat was not so amusing. And driving back after Woburn Park and getting trapped in a jam, only to find that our friends whom we left about 20 minutes ahead of comes sailing past us in the only clear lane of the jam. And we can't enter that lane because it's blocked off from the other 2 lanes we're in. ARGH I had to trash the car to within an inch of it's life just to get back to the flat 5 seconds before those in the other car. Grrrrrr

2006-09-28T04:53:00.000+01:00

Wow ok. I did a technorati of my blog at the suggestion of my ex. And well the number of ignorant Singaporeans... surprised me. Although I guess I shouldn't be should I? Looking at the way we were brought up, it's not really so surprising many of us cannot accept new concepts as they are discovered, and many of us cannot seem to even want to make an effort to understand that just because something was outside their sphere of existence does not mean its "bad" or "wrong" in any way.

This whole thing about being gay for starters, and being transgendered (and in my case being both), is like being left handed in the past. People were forced to switch to the right hand because it was "natural". How silly they looked, and how silly we'll look 100 years from now when people realise what fools we were. but now it's understood there is nothing unnatural about being left handed. The human's perception of what's "normal" expands as we gradually understand the human psyche more, and discover that more and more of what we once thought was wrong. It's simply folly of the highest order for people to resist this evolution in thought. Quite simply how most fellow Singaporeans can revel in this backwardness, I do not know.

I suppose for those of u who still cannot understand why sexuality is independent of physical sex and dependent on gender(which is psychological), I suggest u really go read up more instead of making embarrassing and ignorant comments on your blogs.

2006-09-28T00:54:00.000+01:00

It's all started here: http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2006/8/15/lifefocus/15120925

I'm curious as to how many people have me linked from their blogs or visit my blog regularly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not too dumb to know how to put a site counter. I just like the illusion of ranting to myself instead of knowing I have an audience. But for now, to satisfy my curiousity...

Can everyone who's linked me from their blogs(its only fair I return the honour) and/or visit me regularly please shout out and leave a comment? Thanks! =D

In other news, OMG I have been traumatized by this video for the past 2 days, no thanks to our dear LGBT "leader" Luc. Thanks for the nightmares Luc.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0REc__K9zU

2006-09-25T18:20:00.000+01:00

Y'all want a single say fuck that
Fuck that, Fuck that

I've been a baaaaaaaaaaaaad girl...

*grinz*

2006-09-21T21:14:00.000+01:00

Affection without love. Love without affection.

If I had to choose one, which one would I choose? Affection without love.

For so long, I've been such a die-hard romantic, believer in love. Today, I found out what a fool I have been. For the 1st time, I experienced affection without love. I understood what it was like to cuddle with someone who enjoys the mutual affection without all the emotional mess and mental fuss that comes with being in love and in a relationship. I knew what it was like to flow along on a sea of affection, all cares in the world pushed aside, a whole day spent in bed doing nothing but cuddling. I will be a slave to love no longer. I've been so long deprived of it, so long denied it in my past relationships, relationships where I truly loved the other person, and what did I get in return? No affection, and only heartache and unexpected shocks like a gunshot to the head.

I don't think I'd be able to fuck without love tho. I am totally not into sex, so if I agree to it, it'd be for the other person's sake. And for me to consider the other person's sake, I'd have to be in love with her. But for everything else, pure simple affection and physical intimacy, I know where to get it from...

2006-09-21T18:41:00.000+01:00

ALIVE - KORN

I cannot ever find a away
To throw these darkened thoughts away
Need a place to hide
It's thrown in my face everyday
Guess that's the price I have to pay
For what's inside my mind

Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive!

I am alive
I will never run away
Places inside
My heart screams inside with pride
Once I cried
Now I wipe away the tears
Once I died
Now I'm alive

Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive!

Little things tempt me everyday
Constant pain is how I like to play
Better not cross that line
What's this in my head I didn't say
It's something I can't throw away
What's inside my mind

I am alive
I will never run away
Places inside
My heart screams inside with pride
Once I cried
Now I wipe away the tears
Once I died
Now I'm alive

I bide my time
I'm intertwined
I'm falling in this place
I thought I left behind

I bide my time
I'm intertwined
I'm falling in this place
I thought I left behind

I bide my time
I'm intertwined
I'm falling in this place
I thought I left behind
(Feeling so alive) x2

Alive! Alive! Alive! Alive!

I am alive
I will never run away
Places inside
My heart screams inside with pride
Once I cried
Now I wipe away the tears
Once I died
Now I'm alive

2006-09-21T17:02:00.000+01:00

Numb...

Numbness floats thru me like a fog from a Lovecraft novel. Sweeping in from the sea, hiding the darkness that lurks within.

I do not know what to think or feel anymore. Maybe I will give it all a rest.

I am considering working as a freelance dominatrix in London. The pay seems to be pretty good, and no sex needs to be involved. I can indulge in humiliating men and get paid for it. Plus I've always been giving so much in relationships, maybe it's time I just enjoy dominating others, fucking with their heads.

2006-09-19T16:55:00.000+01:00

Now I know......

"and i've gotten angry with heng just because she doesnt think the way i do...."

that's acceptance for you. Whats the point of being so caring, so accepting and so nice to some people? Especially when they cannot accept u back the way u accept them? Whats the point if they're going to take u for granted n go ape on you just because you don't think the way they do?

I've never been this angry, this hurt, this bitter before. So much for love. Love can go suck ass. Sex can go suck ass too. I'm going back to being asexual from now on.

2006-09-17T06:10:00.000+01:00

An interesting, thought provoking and very frank and very true article about atitudes towards homosexuality in Singapore vs overseas. Written by an even more interesting lady.

Do visit and read. =)

http://kiss-.blogspot.com/2005/06/life-of-lesbian-in-singapore-vs.html

2006-09-10T12:49:00.000+01:00

Wot the fuck is wrong with some people? Do u honestly go to other people's girlfriends and tell them to be the next Annabel Chong? Do u go to ask someone's girlfriend to show her titties on her blog?

Honestly, no wonder this sort of loser has no gf himself. If he has a gf, I wonder why he isn't getting his own gf to be the next Annabel Chong. Fucking pervert.

Maybe some people think less of me for not wanting to stay in Singapore. Perhaps some people are also just too stupid to realise I can more than live and work in Singapore if I so wish to. Perhaps a certain retarded pervert cannot understand that I have no wish to be a loser like him and accept doing something I don't like for my entire life.

What's so wrong with knowing what I want? I want to work in the motorsport industry. This is something Singapore does not have, so I'm here in UK. It has NOTHING to do with me not being able to cut it in Singapore. Although I like the society here more than Singapore's, it's only something I discovered once I arrived in UK, the decision to come here and work having long been made before that.

It's not difficult to understand. However, I'll tell u wot's difficult to understand. Wot's difficult to understand is why some guys are just so perverted, such bastards and jerks and assholes, so ruled by the only one thing on their minds: sex. Why do some guys simply lack this essential decency nowadays? It's just horrid. Normally I don't enjoy cursing people, but people like them deserve to get penile cancer and a penectomy to boot.

Singapore supremacists. A product of PAP. I wonder how some people can be so blind as to be proud products of brainwashing and propaganda. Sad fucks. Forever stuck in their life of mediocrity. Just like a certain pervert commenting in my gf's blog.

2006-09-02T15:21:00.000+01:00

When I woke up yesterday morning, I never thought I'd be in an accident that day.

A friend, Jerome, came over in the evening, in his newly bought Toyota Supra 3.0 Turbo. We happily went for a ride, me, Dan and Charlotte. We'd gotten out for about 5 minutes when we crashed. Ouch. Lol.

Basically, Jerome was drifting the supra around the roads near my flat. Around Newington Green, we were coming out of a 90 degree corner in a nice controlled slide then we caught a patch of tarmac with a different grip coefficient, and jack-knifed around. Towards a bus. Jerome basically took a look at the empty pavement, thought it was better to hit the pavement and wall instead of a bus full of people, and threw the wheel the other way. So we slid up over the curb, with the side I was on smacking into the wall and bouncing off. Well ain't that some experience? =P

2006-09-01T15:02:00.000+01:00

Settled my remedial set tasks and re-exams. Not feeling optimistic about it, but wot's past is past, so now I'm taking some time to relax.

Tomorrow's Ant's big annual BBQ =D. Might be headed to popstarz tonight, depending on when Kym's back. Been sittin' around watching movies and playing PS2 since my re-exam ended.

As ever, darling, I miss u, but it's missing u in a good sort of way =). I guess the 1st few days away from u was hard but I've kinda settled in since.

Lazy British end-of-summer days, they're quite enjoyable really. Nice and cool, some sunshine(which I would rather not have). Good for BBQs really. Very chilled out and relaxing. Would be perfect if our BLOODY water heater's not broken AGAIN. *Groan*

2006-08-26T16:27:00.000+01:00

Everything's so surreal. The whole month I spent back in Singapore... it could all be a dream. Could it?

I wish I knew what reality was. But I don't. Back on the streets of London, it feels as though I never left. Feels as though I 'd never been back on Asian soil for a whole month. And who knows? Maybe I dreamt it all. Maybe everything on my blog are just fabricated memories.

So interesting how I seem to have problems discerning reality and yet am so firmly entrenched in my own reality. Maybe I started taking drugs when I was 17, to escape my own cruel reality of my JC years, and have been trapped in this life of my own imagination. Maybe I'm just a catatonic body on disinfected sheets, an empty shell long devoid of soul. Maybe I'm in a coma, waiting for doctors to disconnect the life support machine and pull the plug on a bad movie.

Maybe...

Maybe I'm too smart for my own good. Maybe a life of simply accepting what we've been told, a life of ignorant bliss, isn't so bad. So why can't I willfully be blissfully ignorant? Is it because I've had a tantalising taste of the truth and I want more? Or is it because there is just something fundamentally wrong with blind acceptance? If it's so wrong, then why do so many indulge in it?

For a moment, I feel scared. Scared that somehow, I have been mistaken, and that they are right. Then I take a look, and I see the amount of misery and suffering and pain our society brings to individuals, the conform or die attitude that pervades. And then I lie back, satisfied that it is they who are wrong, it is they who have always been wrong, and that it is they who lack the courage to confront and face the truth, lack the courage to rip thru the fabric of lies they were told as children.

I look within myself, and I am happy, knowing that enlightenment, once begun, can never be denied. And for a moment, I am content. Then I gear myself up for the fight I know is surely coming, and savour the peace before the storm.

2006-08-22T18:59:00.000+01:00

My profile views has officially gone past 1000 views... - no joy

I'm back in London now... - no joy

Missing my beloved tututu bird. =(

Missing my Qibi =(

2006-08-20T15:02:00.000+01:00

Flashing lights.

I went to Ministry of Sound Singapore last night. Funny... it's only slightly bigger than MOS London. I'd had the impression MOS Sg was huge. Ok. So I got $5 off entry, since guys pay $25 while gals pay $20(One more good reason to be a girl =D)

Wonder if anyone who reads this blog was there last night? If u were, u wouldn't have missed me. I was Miss LCD herself. Yes. That gal in all black clothing with the flashing LCD panel, that equalizer thingy that jumps in beat to the music. That was me. Hmmm... Quite a night I must say. Everyone, guys and girls alike, basically stared at my boobs the whole night. Some even POINTED right at it, like they were goin to stab me or sumthin' LOL. I had the sort of reaction where everyone just stopped talking and stared. And I had the sort who sorta stopped and stared right in front of me for 2 seconds before deciding to move outta the way. And I had people ask me where I got it from, and one of the bar guys half-jokingly asked to swap his Levi's MOS Staff tee with my LCD tee. It was fun, and yes I can be an attention whore at times. Although to be honest, I was really there to see my dear friend fatty despot wannabe fail to score any gals. He's been telling me how easily he gets gals' numbers, and how he can get things like blowjobs and the like. Guess we now know better. LOL.

Had satay with my gal just. We don't want to part. We're literally taking every opportunity we have to see each other before I go. 29 hours left in Singapore. I WISH Singapore wasn't so conservative, wasn't so narrow-minded, wasn't so ignorant, wasn't so bigoted, wasn't so fucked up. Then maybe I would feel more at home here, and I wouldn't want to leave. Sigh. Feeling a bit rotten...

2006-08-17T08:01:00.000+01:00

Urgh reports. I hate reports. And Now I gotta rush to finish 3(more like 5) by tomorrow midnight. Blah.

How fast time flies. I leave next monday night. I will fly away and leave my babe behind. =( I don't wanna leave her, but I know I have to go. How I wish she wasn't so attached to Singapore, so that we could be together in future in UK. I feel like I'm being torn 2 ways, part of me wants to stay in the UK because that is where I feel is home. The other part of me wants to stay in Singapore, because thats where she refuses to move from. But I would have to kill my dreams to stay in Singapore... how does one choose when torn apart by love and dreams?

2006-08-15T21:33:00.000+01:00

Our new shared blog is up! =D Do visit. Linked on the right.

Thanks =D

2006-08-09T23:49:00.000+01:00

Tears run down my face as I write this, but I don't regret them. Rarely in my short life, have I had the luxury of tears of joy.

I am forgiven.

The love she has for me, seeing as how she has forgiven me in such a short time, so completely, given her temper, overwhelms me. I am at the same time, touched, grateful and joyous.

The taste of her lips linger on mine, my heart soars free whence the past 2 days it was weighed down by nothing but dark melancholy and despair.

My spirits fly high, like the morning mist amongst the giant redwoods of ancient lands. I am forgiven!

2006-08-09T05:02:00.000+01:00

What hurts most, is knowing I've made her cry.

And yes it matters. She might not know it, or refuse to acknowledge it, but it matters.

2006-08-09T04:53:00.000+01:00

Everyday that passes, she hates me more and more. She is more and more convinced I'm a monster, all because I 1st wanted to be truthful, and then because I was upset and said something I didn't mean even as I was saying it.

It feels like I've shot myself in the head. Twice. Except it wouldn't hurt as bad to be shot in the head.

Don't see the point in openly airing my emotions anymore. Maybe I deserve all this for loving someone with a "one strike and you're out" policy.

Sigh. Kidney seems achey today. Yesterday's kidney pains left me scared and curled up on the floor in a fetal position. I wonder if it happened partially because of the emotional stress I've been thru these past few days...

2006-08-07T17:07:00.000+01:00

A whole day spent trying to escape, to run, to avoid thinking about what I don't want to think about.

And I fail.

I remember, she said once, to block her when she is pissed, as she will say things that she does not mean, hurtful things. Its scary, and strange, just how much we are alike. I am ashamed to say this, but I am guilty of that as well...

So now my dilemma is, to try to tell whether she's doing her "I'm pissed thing" or if she truly hates me now and forever. Dear readers, for once, I'm out of ideas. Please, if you have some advice, good or bad, I'd like to hear it. Why? I'll tell you why.

I said earlier that I might have lost her and that I can get over it, with time. That is true, yes, but what is also true, is that I don't even want to have to do that. I don't want to have to get over her. I only wish she can show some hint that she's not mad at me anymore, that she doesn't want us to end, and I'll immediately take the 1st step to tell her I'm sorry about whatever we said, and that she hasn't chased me away from her. I'll do that, not because I am desperate, not because I cannot stand being lonely, not because I need somebody to love.

I'll do that, because I love her.

2006-08-07T08:28:00.000+01:00

There are things I have to say, for my own benefit. I've always written for my own benefit, to sort my thoughts out.

So the whole thing has gotten me thinking. Do I love kids?

I do. I love them so much that it hurts to see everytime some kid hurt by the world of today. The adult influenced world. Why did I say then, that I am worried I won't love my kids unconditionally? Its simply because I am not hypocritical enough to pretend I am better than anyone else. The truth is, the potential to turn into a monster is within each of us. And if I ever turned into something which I myself so hate, I don't think I can live on.

A nice friend told me, hating guys was part of my personality. I have to agree. That is why I worry. She then very nicely pointed out that "I presume that you're able to override that aspect when necessary?" Which gave me pause for thought. And after looking inside, I have to say yes, I am able to override that aspect when necessary. It shows in the way I still love my brother, my father, and even many of my guy friends(esp some of the despo ones who sometimes still irk me a lot).

So maybe I've already lost my girl. Big deal, thats something I can and will deal with in time. At least now that I've been forced to look inside myself, I'm not so worried about being unable to override my personality, and love my kids unconditonally. Maybe sometimes, its a terrible thing to have to pay the piper, but people don't enter our lives for no reason, no matter how short.

She may or may not see this. she probably won't, since she thinks I'm a monster. I don't care either way. Like i said, I write for my own benefit. But a monster I am not, and I'll thank her for helping me realise that, however we turn out.

2006-08-07T05:13:00.000+01:00

Betryal.

Nothing hurts more than that. Especially when it comes from someone one loves.

You expect the people who love you, to understand you. You don't expect them to call you a monster when you confide your worries with them. Its funny how people choose to interpret words. I could lie thru my teeth and say that I can love my kids unconditionally, but the truth is, although I probably could, I am worried that for some reason, I might not be able to. Does that admission of being worried make me a monster? Apparently in some people's eyes, it does.

So maybe I am a monster. Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest, and so forthcoming in wanting to nip something in the bud before it becomes worse. Maybe I should have been a coward and pretended that its not a problem, and just let myself become a full fledged monster. Afterall, who cares about the long term? Only the short term matters, at least to some people.

Betryal hurts indeed.

2006-08-04T08:31:00.000+01:00

I'm an Androgyne Gender Fuck, and I'm proud to be one.

2006-08-04T08:02:00.000+01:00

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Androgyny

Androgyny refers to two concepts. The first is the mixing of masculine and feminine characteristics, be it the example of the loud fashion statements of musicians like David Bowie or the balance of "anima" and "animus" in Jungian psychoanalytic theory. The second is in describing something that is neither masculine nor feminine, for example the Hijras of India who are often described as "neither man nor woman".

Androgyny - Garbage

When everything is going wrong
And you can't see the point of going on
Nothing in life is set in stone
There's nothing that can't be turned around
Nobody wants to be alone
Everybody wants to love someone
Out of the tree go pick a plum
Why can't we all just get along

(Boys) Boys in the girl's room
(Girls) Girls in the men's room
You free your mind in your androgyny
(Boys) Boys in the parlor
(Girls) They're getting harder
I'll free your mind in your androgyny

No sweeter a taste that you could find
Than fruit hanging ripe upon the vine
There's never been an oyster so divine
A river deep that never runs dry

What you need...what you need...

The birds and the bees they hum along
Like treasure they twinkle in the sun
Get on board and have some fun
Take what you need to turn you on

(Boys) Boys in the girl's room
(Girls) Girls in the men's room
You free your mind in your androgyny
(Boys) Boys in the parlor
(Girls) They're getting harder

I'll free your mind
I'll free your mind
I'll free your mind
I'll free your...

(Boys) Behind closed doors and under stars
(Girls) It doesn't matter where you are
(Boys) Collecting jewels that catch your eyes
(Girls) Don't let a soulmate pass you by

Boys in the girl's room
Girls in the men's room
You free your mind in your androgyny
Boys in the parlor
They're getting harder
I'll free your mind
I'll free your mind
Boys in the girl's room
Girls in the men's room
You free your mind in your androgyny
Boys in the parlor
They're getting harder
I'll free your mind
I'll free your mind
I'll free your mind
I'll free your...

Boys
Girls
Boys
Girls

About Androgyny:

From www.glbtq.com, by Tina Gianoulis

Androgyny

Created by combining the Greek words for man (andros) and woman (gynaika), androgyny describes the blending of male and female characteristics within a single individual. Though the term "hermaphrodite" is sometimes given as a synonym for androgyne, androgyny is generally understood today to be a psychological blending of gender traits, while hermaphroditism describes those who possess some of the actual sex organs of both genders.

Androgyny has long been embraced by strong women, soft men, members of queer communities, and others who do not easily fit into traditionally defined gender categories.

The Androgyne as a Divine Union of Earthly Principles

Some cultures have revered the androgyne as a divine union of earthly principles, and many religions have worshipped gods that represented the combination of male and female. The Greek god of wine and sensuality, Dionysos, was believed to be androgynous, as was Hapi, the Egyptian god of the Nile. Practitioners of the Voudoun religion of Africa, South America, and the Caribbean honor the androgyne Obatala as the creator of humankind and the bringer of peace.

The Vikings worshipped the valkyrie Bruennhilde, the androgynous daughter of Wotan, king of the gods. Hindu, Christian, and Wiccan religions all have deities or demi-deities with androgynous qualities.

Distinctions between Sex and Gender

To understand androgyny, it is important to explore the differences between sex and gender. An individual's sex is generally considered to be a physical construct. In other words, in most instances a person's sex is either male or female, depending on the sexual organs present in the body.

For many centuries, in most societies, male and female have been the only acceptable options when determining an individual's sex. If one's physical sexual characteristics were ambiguous, this fact was either hidden or altered in babyhood by doctors who often "chose" a sex for hermaphroditic or "intersex" children. During the latter part of the twentieth century, many people whose genital organs were not clearly male or female began to speak out and demand the right to claim their intersex identity.

While sex describes the physical body, "gender" describes the social role of an individual, based on sex. Although specific gender roles vary from culture to culture, most societies have clear definitions of what is women's behavior and what is men's behavior. Many of these definitions claim to have a basis in physical reality. For example, women give birth and are therefore supposed to be more nurturing and dependent; in ancient times men were hunters and are therefore supposed to be more aggressive and independent.

Gender is an important characteristic in most societies, and communities enforce most gender rules quite strictly. One of the most important facts to know about people is their gender. One is expected to dress and behave in ways that are gender appropriate. The punishment for deviation from gender role expectations can be quite harsh, from ridicule to ostracism to harassment.

Challenging Gender Roles

Many people have found themselves stifled and limited by the rules governing gender identity, especially when those rules seem to contradict an inner reality. Consequently, social movements have arisen to challenge narrowly defined gender roles and expectations.

One of the most important of these movements was the women's liberation movement of the 1970s. Feminists such as Carolyn Bird, Charlotte Bunch, and Robin Morgan challenged the idea that women were "naturally" more passive, emotional, and weaker than men.

In 1971, feminist psychologist and Stanford University professor Sandra Bem introduced the concept of "psychological androgyny" to describe those men and women who did not fit into traditionally defined gender roles. In 1973, lesbian feminist author June Arnold, writing under the penname "the Carpenter," questioned assumptions about gender in The Cook and the Carpenter, a novel that did not reveal the gender of any of its characters, using the gender-neutral pronoun "na" instead of "he" or "she."

Lesbians and gay men of the 1970s gay liberation movement embraced the idea of androgyny because it allowed them to express gender traits that had previously been forbidden to them. Many dykes cut their hair short, wore flannel shirts and heavy work boots, took classes in car repair, and trained to work in the construction trades, while at the same time developing a new pride in their identity as women. Gay men showed their feminine side by experimenting more publicly with make-up and drag.

Mainstreaming Androgyny

By the 1980s, androgyny had spread from the gay and lesbian communities into the mainstream. Male glam-rockers such as David Bowie and Boy George crossed gender lines with big hair and heavy eye make-up, while rock diva Annie Lennox wore a crew cut that would have made any androgynous dyke proud.

Straights copied the celebrities, and soon straight men gathered around bathroom mirrors to check their make-up, while young straight women buzzed their hair and put on Doc Martens. By the 1990s a "dyke chic" had developed on many college campuses, and a new lesbian catch phrase asked, "Why just dress like a lesbian when you can be one?"

Expanding the Definition of Androgyny

During the 1990s a mood of gender questioning swept over the glbtq community. No longer content to move from the male/female dichotomy to the gay/lesbian dichotomy, young queers began to search for broader terms in which to define themselves. They began to expand the definition of androgyny to include not only those who blended male and female gender characteristics, but also those whose gender was impossible to determine and those who refused to identify themselves in traditional gender dichotomies.

Many sought purposely to confuse the world's perception of their genders. They created a term "gender fuck" to describe the act of manipulating and confounding the world's perception of their gender. Gender fucking might include wearing an evening dress with a full beard, or a t-shirt with the legend "Boy Dyke."

However, while "gender outlaws" may now be more prevalent in urban societies, the social construct of gender is still quite strictly enforced. Those who challenge it do so at great personal risk.

2006-08-02T14:40:00.000+01:00

Bigots.

They make me feel so upset, and so disappointed. Are they the sort of people that Singapore's future will be left to? Why do we seem to stagnate socially? Will we regress socially in the near future? Sigh......

Seems like some people think my gal shouldn't be with me because i am, according to their ignorant little brains, "boy don't be boy be girl". What can I say? They have zilch understanding about human psychology, they are just blindly following the obsolete social definition of what makes a man and what makes a woman. I can't even think about it without feeling disgusted that so many Singaporeans are so narrow-minded and ignorant.

I guess in a way im thankful that her friends are so caring of her. But I'm rather....... dumbfounded that they can be as disrespectful of her decision to love who she wants by bad-mouthing me. Worse still, everything they can really say about me, only stems from their ignorance and narrow-mindedness. I feel like the frog in the well is insulting me because I don't belong in its known sphere of existence.

Very frustrating to think about honestly, but I bet its worse for them, seeing how she remains with me in-spite of all the vile venom they pour into her. I'm not going to dissuade her from being their friend. Oh no. On the contrary, I WANT her to be close to them, so that our relationship can be living evidence of how love conquers all, even ignorance and bigotry. And if that fails, then I want her to be close to them, to RUB into their noses the fact that we're together in spite of their total ignorant, boring and short-sighted 2 dimensional take on humanity.

And yes, if you are the people whom I'm writing about, reading this now? I would like to tell you to look deep into yourself and see if you know who you truly are, as well as I know who I am, and if you are as "normal" as you think. "Normal"? What the F is normal? Normal is an illusion, that the blindly obsolete fearfully hold on to, because they have no F-ing guts to face the changing world. Amazing how some guys with balls seem even more ball-less than someone who's planning to have her's removed.

2006-07-31T17:59:00.000+01:00

"I want 2 b famous"

So goes the article in the papers yesterday. The funny thing is, when I started my blog, I never wanted to be famous. I just wanted something where I could be my usual non-conformist self, challenge society, and rant when I felt like it. Fact is, the idea of starting this blog came to me during my typical depression period, which always hits me between February and April of every year.

I'm still trying to believe that my blog matters to anyone else but me. I've always felt.... no, I've always THOUGHT that I was writing entirely for my own benefit, so that I could sort the random thoughts floating around inside my head, into some semblance of coherence. Writing is as much a mental filing exercise for me, as it is a display of narcissism for others.

Its going to be a short rant today. I slept way too late last night and paid for it today with a bad headache throughout the day. It was cured later, whether by Disaronno and orange juice, or by panadol, I don't know. Maybe I am killing myself and I don't know it yet.

Ho ho ho. Oh well, its not like I am in any really high spirits over the past few days. Relationships bring both joy and trials, and even though we're doing fine, I have to admit being quite an emotionally needy person, my gal can sometimes leave me feeling fairly blue. Like I said though, I've never done the dumping in a relationship, and I don't intend to start. I can fall in love fairly easily, but when I say I love someone, I mean it, and I'll stick to it(till someone gives me the boot anyway)...

2006-07-30T17:45:00.000+01:00

FINALLY!!!

Meet the Missus. =)

Babe I LUMTAE you. <3333

2006-07-30T17:25:00.000+01:00

Urgh. Disgusted. Blogspot has gone haywire. Its not been letting me upload the missus's pic. Blah.

I am a happy girl tonight though. My darling has said I am tailor-made for her. That means I'm special, because I cannot be bought off the shelf. I have to be specially ordered. LOL. I've never felt happier being compared to an item of clothing. =P =D

I need to spruce up the blog skin, now that I know my blog is not as lonely as I thought it was.

2006-07-30T15:46:00.000+01:00

Wow. And I mean WOW!

I had no idea anyone else besides my close friends read my blog. This morning I opened the (Singapore)papers and saw the blog article in the Lifestyle section, and I was flipping thru to see if I could spot my gf's or my friends' blogs there. And silly me, I totally missed the opening paragraphs of the article. Goodness! I had no idea till an hour ago, when I suddenly found 4 comments waiting for me, and one of them said "Came across your blog which was highlighted in the article ran by The Straits Times today." It took a few seconds of whirring gears in my head before it clicked. Initial reaction was OMG OMG OMFG!!! Ya forgive me for the slowness, because its a oppressively hot and humid day. Ok, I will sit around and bask in the disbelief. Friends who read the article just KNEW it was me, even if they didn't know I blog.

Ok... feelings.... I am really really surprised. Because I've always felt that nobody reads my blog. Afterall, who really cares about people on the fringes of what is socially "normal"? (a lot it seems). I'm pretty glad too. I'd really like to be able to try to spread the awareness of the complexity of human gender-identity (both personal and social) and human sexuality, and how sexuality is independent of physical gender. Life is never simple, its whether we choose to face up to it, and dare to be who we are, or we choose to run from it and pretend to conform to "normality".

I suppose, this means I have to start updating my blog a bit more regularly, instead of being the total lazy bum that I am. Pictures for the road trip have to be up too. The price of "fame". LOL. My fwen Valerie (visit her blog!!! Its linked from my links) is already calling me "Miss Super Star", which totally makes me *blush*. I'm nothing of the sort. I'm just a nobody, trying her best to be herself, in a sea of misguided perceived normality.

Well thanks everyone, for stopping by to read my thoughts. I seriously had no idea my life was much of a roller coaster. Although I must say one thing I feel the newspaper has gotten wrong. There is no confusion about my sexuality. I am very very clear about who and what I am. =)

2006-07-26T03:10:00.000+01:00

It's been a week since the Michelin Air Xes thumped the runway. Everything feels like a dream, getting to meet my dearest babe, going out with her and everything. One week. Such a short time, yet so many memories created already. I will never ever forget that changing room in Esprit in Wisma Atria. What a heady mix of sensuality and mischievousness, akin to a fiery mix of Disaronno on ice and VK blue.

I sit in my room, and I wonder if it's all true. Paranoia... everytime I experience reality, I'm so worried its another of those haunting dreams I used to have, the ones where I wake up and find its a dream and I cry. I don't know what defines reality really. I can't tell. And that makes me scared.

Mummy questioned me in the car yesterday. I SHOULD have known she'd go thru my stuff. But she took it pretty well, although I didn't tell her outright I'm definitely planning to have an op. Still that question came out and I did say I'm considering it. I also told her that inside, I am a girl, no question about that.

So this holiday... just a week old, and lots of things are happening already. I hope I can cope with it all......

I love u tho, babe. You're the light of my life. <333333

2006-07-21T04:40:00.000+01:00

I met Darling QiBi yesterday! So happy! I love u babeeeee!!! =D

*lub nosie*

2006-07-16T03:12:00.000+01:00

Interlude...

Babe QB, I love u loads. A thousand kisses for you, you who say things that make my heart flutter.

Your Beloved Emmie =)

2006-07-09T22:18:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry this is late. For a week. And without pics. I'll try to put them up bit by bit because its so huge. =S but here it is... Wales Roadtrip, 3 - 7 Aug 2006

Italy won the World Cup. Ok. I couldn't care less. Its been a great week. We got a car and hit the high road. We had no prior plans. Only when we got the car did we decide to head to Wales. So off we headed towards Bristol. On the way, we stopped at Highclere Castle. We'd actually planned to visit Donnington Castle but somehow got lost? But thats the beauty of a roadtrip where u travel where the road leads. U discover so many places u never knew about. =)

Highclere Castle is a Victorian country house in high Elizabethan style, with park designed by Capability Brown, in a 24 square kilometer estate south of Newbury, Berkshire, England. It is the country seat of the Herbert family, the Earls of Carnarvon, and the largest mansion in Hampshire. The current Lord Carnarvon(8th Earl of Carnarvon) is the grandson of the famous Lord Carnarvon(6th Earl of Carnarvon) who, with Howard Carter, discovered King Tut's tomb. The 6th Earl of Carnarvon famously died of a mosquito bite, which many attributed to the curse of King Tut's tomb.

After that, it was on to beautiful picturesque Bath where the Roman Baths are. My friend daringly slipped in from the exit! Tsk tsk. We also had dinner there. From there on, we headed to Bristol where we spent a hot and uncomfortable night. Next morning we checked out and then wandered around Bristol with our stuff left in the car in the hotel's carpark. We wandered around the City Council building and the square in front of it. Then we went to visit the Bristol Science Museum and its Planetarium which was really interesting. Theres actually a planetarium in the Omnimax Theatre in Singapore, which is much bigger, but I've never seen it in use.

From there we left Bristol and headed to Cardiff. On the way we stopped at Caerleon, which had some fantastic Roman ruins, which included an amphitheatre and the barracks which housed the garrison. Interestingly, this small town is linked heavily to Arthurian legends. As Extracted from wikipedia:

Caerleon and Arthurian Legend

Caerleon is one of the sites most often connected with King Arthur's Camelot. There was no Camelot mentioned in the early Arthurian traditions recorded by Geoffrey of Monmouth, Wace, and Layamon. These early Arthurian authors say that Arthur's capital was in Caerleon, and even the later recaster of Arthurian material, Sir Thomas Malory, has Arthur re-crowned at "Carlion" (Caerleon). It has been suggested that the still-visible Roman amphitheatre at Caerleon is the source of the 'Round-Table' element of the tales, and was used for discussion and entertainment. (The "Camelot" reference originates with the French writer of courtly romance, ChrÃ©tien de Troyes.)

Geoffrey of Monmouth writes of Caerleon in the mid 12th century:

"For it was located in a delightful spot in Glamorgan, on the River Usk, not far from the Severn Sea. Abounding in wealth more than other cities, it was suited for such a ceremony. For the noble river I have named flows along it on one side, upon which the kings and princes who would be coming from overseas could be carried by ship. But on the other side, protected by meadow and woods, it was remarkable for royal palaces, so that it imitated Rome in the golden roofs of its buildings... Famous for so many pleasant features, Caerleon was made ready for the announced feast." (Historia Regum Britanniae "History of the Kings of Britain" Caerleon also has later Arthurian literary associations, as the birthplace of the writer Arthur Machen who often used it as a location in his work. Alfred Lord Tennyson also wrote his Idylls of the King overlooking the Usk in a bay window of what is now the saloon bar of the Hanbury Arms public house.

We also had a look at the Caerleon Norman Castle mound.

The Domesday Book tells us that there was a castle in Caerleon soon after the Norman conquest: "William de Scohies holds 8 carucates of land in the jurisdiction of Carlion castle, Â"

The original castle was in all probability a timber tower on top of a mound surrounded by a ditch. During later years the timber structure was replaced by a solid stone tower and extensive walls were added.

The mound is still visible even behind the high Mynde walls, but unfortunately, unlike the Roman ruins in Caerleon, very little of the medieval stonework remains

From there it was on to Cardiff, where we stayed at a really lovely hotel. There was a swimming pool and sauna and gyms. Room service and air conditioning, and a massive bathroom! =D It was one of the loveliest places I've ever stayed in, comparable to the Crown Royale in Antwerp I stayed at last year. They even allowed us to have a late checkout without any charge! One of the best places I've ever stayed at. OWednesdayay morning we woke up and had a nice leisurely breakfast. Following that, we went to have a swim at the hotel pool till noon. We then had another leisurely shower and lazed around our room till half one.

We then checked out and then visited Cardiff Castle. It did get a bit wet and grey that day but being able to visit a classic standing(although fairly in ruins) Norman castle complete with the castle mound standing, more than made up for it. =) I also did a bit of shopping(my 1st proper shopping spree for this trip!) and got myself some really cool stuff, namely a new belt, a book on Celtic crosses, and a lovely bottle of mead! It was almost 6pm when we finally left Cardiff for Swansea.

It was damp and chilly when we reacheSwanseaea. We managed to find a nice bed and breakfast to stay in, and then headed out for a nice proper fresh seafood dinner in Swansea. We chanced upon Eleo's Brasserie 32 The Kingsway, Swansea SA1 5LE (Tel: 01792 648609). The restaurant was lovely, gooambiancece and the seafood was fresh and excellent. One of the best seafood meals I had andefinitelyly comparable if not better than Brighton! We had scallops, squid, mussels, grilled swordfish, sea bass baked in sea salt, all fresh and excellently cooked. And the beef, according to my friend(which I didn't try because I don't eat beef) was excellent, and cooked to just the right expectations for medium-rare beef. The place was so good we went there both days we were in Swansea!

Thursday morning was spent wandering and shopping in the central market of Swansea, while the afternoon was spent exploring the dramatic coastline west of Swansea. We headed to Gower Peninsula and finally came to 3 Cliff's Bay, which was simply breathtaking! We trekked down some rathetreacherousus cliffside paths, and got to speak to a bunch of schoolkids from near Oxford who were there on an adventure holiday. One of the gals, a lovely lass, bless her, thought I was a gal! ^_^ Anyways we then headed back a bit and went to check out the Pennard Castle and St Mary's Church ruins. To get to those ruins we had to walk along some paths within a golf course, which to be honest, was rather ill defined. We'd unwittingly strayed off the path, but had no idea till we heard golf balls whistling past our heads! Legging it for the ruins which by now were visible, we were on safe ground once again. After admiring the commanding view out of the north wall into Pennard Pill Valley, we left.

From there on, after dinner at Swansea at Eleo's, it was a mad dash back to Swindon, which I can proudly say I managed under 3 hours! We spent another 45 mins getting lost IN the service stop, and trying to get to the other side of the motorway, until we luckily ran into a highway agency range rover.They very kindly led us to the motorway motel (thanks lads!) where we spent the last night of our roadtrip.

Friday we woke fairly early, and left for bicester village, to do some more shopping.(Happily). Funnily enough, getting there, I was rather nonplussed about spending, after seeing how cheap stuff were in Cardiff and Swansea! I did managed to get some nice facial spray from L'Occitane and a nice top from Versace(my 1st ever Versace anything! lol) We sort of lingered longer than we should, and then finally left for London itself almost near 2.

The rest of it wasn't much to talk about, cuz London = jams. I dropped fat dude anHelenen off at Fullham, renewed the rent for the car, and headed back to my flat to meeKymym and to drive up to Oxford for Ivan's birthday. Thats though, will be another blog entry. =)

2006-07-01T20:09:00.000+01:00

I spoke with my babe last night. We talked about an issue which had been bothering me for a long time. After last night, I think for the 1st time since I discovered myself, I have been able to stop feeling guilty about letting myself enjoy the way my body works. I'm really glad my babe still sees me for who I am inside. And thankful that she is able to talk me 'round into not allowing myself to be burdened by unnecessary guilt.

I guess I cannot deny also how I am afraid that me and you, would be another fantasy, another dream, like the last one was. But everday I'm with you, I guess you dispell that fear in me, bit by bit.

Babe, I love u. <333333333

Oh btw babe, I was at Muse's new Album "Supermassive" 's launch on friday nite. =D

2006-06-27T02:19:00.000+01:00

What can I say? Hot off the heels of being played, along comes another. Of course, its such an irony, that my paranoia stems from my desire to avoid paranoia... common sense would say that I've been played. And yet, because I have not seen her for over a week now, I tell myself I might just be imagining things, and that she did not play me... Of course she did.

But is it a good thing? I don't know. I've allowed myself to go numb for too long. I have not thought or wanted to love, or maybe to lust, for far too long. Did it happen for a reason? A purpose? Especially seeing as how another could come along so soon after? I don't know...

Can 2 peaks and 1 trough in life happen in the span of less than a week? I honestly do not know. Can more than 1 person fall for you in the time of less than a week when your whole life has been barren? I don't know, but I'm afraid I'm going to find out....

Incest..... lust..... what is so primal about these words that makes us fear them so and yet secretly crave them so? Ok even though its not real incest..., the notion that it might be, is so powerful its almost scary...

Perhaps... I should just shut up... and enjoying being a slut...

2006-06-26T07:25:00.000+01:00

Its official.... I'm a slut.

No remorse, no regrets.

You never know, when today is your last.

2006-06-24T15:00:00.000+01:00

Descending into unholy incestuous lust...

Have I officially become a slut?

2006-06-22T10:13:00.000+01:00

Sweet honey-ed sugar-coated words,
They sway me so effortlessly, my achilles heel.I don't even know it, and suddenly I am,
Plunging,
Plunging.

Deep into this dark lonely well,
This hole in the ground of trust misplaced.
Surprise, shock, a double blow,
A precious gift I give so easy,
My nature so fatally susceptible .

Perhaps when all is said and done,
I'm just a deluded fool in a padded cell

2006-06-17T04:53:00.000+01:00

Old people like me should not dance as hard as I did on Thursday night! I'm paying for it painfully now. Feels like my neck got wrenched right round. Then again, it's been awhile since we went out!

Nothing much is happening though. My babe's internet is down. Gosh I miss her already. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get back to Singapore to meet her! Meanwhile, I can only look at her picture and break into a silly grin. If I'd known how my heart would break as well...

It was just a dream...

2006-06-07T04:16:00.000+01:00

Sorry for not posting sooooo long! I guess I've been catching up on lost sleep. Yea exams are over and holidays are here and what do I do? Go clubbing every night? NO! How fucking sad... I sleep like a pig all day long... Ok at least I went for a picnic in Hyde Park last Saturday but I was ill and then I drank loads of vodka and to top it off I went for a paddle boat ride and basically exhausted myself. I felt so dizzy n ill after that... erf.

In other news... I'm now someone's slut! Shameful I know, but whooo hoooo I don't care. I love ma bitch. =P That's about all I'll say for now. hehehehehehehe

My racing car's coming along well too.... it'll be ready next week or the week after =) Meanwhile, I'm thinking of a trip to France, Le Mans, to watch the Le Mans 24 hours enduro race! Last year we went the day after the race. Man that sucked =(

But ohhhhh carefree days ahahahaha. I'm gonna enjoy them I am!

2006-05-23T16:22:00.000+01:00

YAY!!! EXAMS ARE OVER!!! PARTY TIME!!!

2006-05-09T13:27:00.000+01:00

Boom! 2 down, 3 to go. Like math, I waited till the very day before the paper to actually learn my stuff. After math, I was confident it was enough to get me a good pass. Guess what? It is, but I actually had a bout of panic attack. 3am in the morning all whoozy and desperately trying to learn mechanics of solids is just no fun. It didn't help that the day before the paper was also when the European GP was run at the Nurburgring, and the new episode of Top Gear also aired at night.

I'm going to start studying for the remaining 3 papers earlier now, although i'm now quite sure i got a pass mark for the last paper in the region of my math paper. Going in though, the confidence I had for math wasn't there, and its not too nice a feeling.

2006-05-05T12:10:00.000+01:00

Eins!!!
Hier kommt die Sonne
Zwei!!!
Hier kommt die Sonne
Drei!!!
Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Vier!!!
Hier kommt die Sonne

For some reason this song is playing along with my emotions very well. That sort of "I want to kill someone for the fun of it" feeling. No I'm not in a bad mood. I'm feeling rather... dark... sadistic...

Think I came close to having a fatal liver failure last night. Must remember to ease myself back onto alcohol after a period of no clubbing that lasts longer than 2 weeks.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I had my 1st exam paper on tues. Easily passed, and all i needed was a day of studying. I don't mean revision. I MEAN studying. Heh u can't revise what you don't know, and I'd never been to math lectures nor done them tutorials for the entire year. Life's fairly great when u're a minor genius. muahahahahahahahahaha!!!

2006-04-24T06:02:00.000+01:00

Just watched reality TV show "Mess Around With...". They put a single person with 3 other people of the same sex who are in relationships, and then all 4 of them are to spend a week with someone of the opposite sex who will be 'the picker', in the same house. Aim of the game is for the picker to pick the real single. If the picker chooses correctly, the picker will share 10,000 with the true single. If the picker chooses wrongly, the person who gets mistakenly choosen as the 'single' will get to share this money with their partner. Normally the biggest jerk, bitchiest or most bare-faced liar wins the cash. This week tho it seems justice has been served in a rather perverse way, with the girl who lied about being the true single falling for the guy who was the picker. So her boyfriend might have won the money but seems his relationship's been torn up some. Serves them right. Anyone willing to put their relationship at risk for money deserves something bad happening to their relationship. Money's not everything, money can't buy love...

This past week has been mixed. Very mixed. The bad things was mainly this online row I'd been having with some people. I'd rather not talk about it, because it ended badly, but I'll say that I am at least partially to blame for the bad ending. My greatest sins of the 7, I've always said, was fury an envy. I was really upset over the whole thing and I guess I'm not so good at thinking properly when I'm upset. To be honest when I'm upset, I'm not very good mentally. Thank my lucky stars I'm not a Jedi, because I'd have fallen easily to the dark side of the force long ago. Even though its not the resolution I wanted, I guess it still is some resolution, and I have to be thankful for that. It also allows me to have a clean break from something which caused me quite a lot of hurt because I just didn't belong to it.

On to the good things. I'd been sleeping a lot the past week, if u could consider sleeping like a pig a good thing! lol. Anyways met up with a really old friend on thursday. We've known each other for 11 years. Apparently we were in the same class 2 years before I officially remember knowing her so we've actually known each other for 13 years. But as she said, she's an un-noticable person so I don't remember the time we were in the same class when we were 10. Anyways I consider her a close friend even though we haven't been in contact too often.

Jen Jen's birthday on Sat!!! It was a surprise party for her and we were supposed to assemble in the room beforehand to surprise her, but I was late! *blush* I'd remembered her birthday all the while but somehow, I FORGOT to get her a present! *BLUSH!!!* My mental laspes aside, we had a great time. The food was great, I hadn't had lobster in a long time =P. We also had fun singing as there was a karaoke system in the room, but it was rather embaressing as my voice was at a weird pitch that day, totally unsuitable for singing anything(except Linkin ParK) at all!

Disney's most famous gay couple sharing a private moment during Jen Jen's birthday! lol

I was so tired out by Sat nite that I fell asleep at 9pm. It was mostly because I hadn't slept at all on Friday night tho. I couldn't sleep because I had too much on my mind, the same bad things I mentioned earlier. I slept till 8am on Sunday, woke up, and waited for the Formula 1 race at Imola to start. It wasn't very exciting to watch(save for Ide sending Albers rolling), nobody overtook, Michael Schumacher won and Renault made a tactical error. I wasn't too displeased about Michael winning as Kimi needs Michael to take some points out of Alonso, if he's to keep his championship chances alive. After F1 they showed British Touring Cars, with race 3 live. Incredibly, I fell asleep again during the race and it was only 3pm! Woke up again at 9pm, and now I'm too tanked up on sleep to feel sleepy.

Exams are nearing. I really need to learn to panic...

2006-04-10T05:17:00.000+01:00

We enter spring break now. =)

Its been very busy I must say. On one hand, the last week of uni especially, we just got so swamped with coursework deadlines. On the other hand, into the 1st week of break, even as I got a much deserved break, we had club nights we couldn't miss. Smack(huge lesbian night) on the last Friday of term time was awesome, and then over the weekend, recovering from it, I started to plan my birthday on the next friday after Smack. I feel kinda ashamed tho, because I've been neglecting the Formula Student project. I should pop back into uni this week sometime, and go help up as well as get a progress update.

So... Smack on friday. It was awesome for sure. Theme for the night was smackback mountain (yea a take on brokeback mountain) so western it was. Went to Camden on thurs, supposedly for clothes, came back with wot I needed, and a bit more. Ouch. I went there looking for a white shirt, scarf, and black cowboy hat. I came back with... the scarf, a black corset, and an airsoft submachine gun that fires full auto. Totally irrelevant, totally impulse shopper. =P

I did manage to put together an awesome costume for the night tho. It might be rather "cobbled-together" but I think it worked well. Ok so it was a modern-gothic take on a western outfit, but I think I looked like a cross between a rouge gunslinger and Vampire Hunter D. I guess I might put up a pic afterall, altho I don't look my best in it, face-wise. Anyways u can see it up there. Me n Kym. The black corset was useful afterall, so that wasn't a wasted purchase. I dug up a pair of Miss-Sixty black PVC pants I hadn't worn in a long time, put on a modern holster on my punk belt, wore this white office shirt i hadn't worn in a while, and hey presto!

Because of the financial damage I did to myself at Camden and at Smack, I spent the entire week staying in mostly. I had another couple of big nights out on thurs, fri and sat, so I had to save. So sleeping thru most of the day was in order for me. Oh it was heavenly. =P

Thurs we went out to Ghetto. I had a chance once again, to wear clothes I hadn't worn in ages. It was totally gothic lolita that night for me. we went to Trash Palace 1st, supposedly for a "farewell vespa party". Vespa Bar was this really cosy and cool lesbian bar opposite Ghetto. It got bought over and is now shut. Its quite sad because its the 1st ever lesbian place I went to, and its also really near to Ghetto, so people used to go there to start the night off before moving on to Ghetto. Now Trash Palace is the only place which is not gay-boy camp thats left for us lesbians to hit before Ghetto. Bleah.

Anyways Tony, Kat and Dunni got there before me n Kym did. There were free sandwiches, and like the glutton I was, I ate a few. =P As they'd gotten a both, we all piled in. So while we were chillin out and knocking back a few drinks, Tony n Kym disappears to the bar. I'd thought they'd gone for drinks, so I was totally shocked when they came back with a birthday cake that Tony had baked himself! Oh my! Definitely speechless. Sure made my night =D. The rest of the night was the usual. Over to Ghetto, copious amounts of alcohol, sambuca shots (shiver) and getting dead drunk. One of my best birthdays ever. =D

Friday Dan and me went to this nice chinese buffet in Angel. I'd invited Jen along too. It was really cool getting people who are a major part of my life to get to know one another. =) We had an easy long lunch, and then we walked around the shops in angel some. I walked into the Link because I'd wanted to show them the W900i I'd been eyeing for a long time. I ended up buying it =P. Well actually I didn't technically buy it. I signed up to a contract plan, and I got it free!!! WHEEEEE!!! And the best thing that made my birthday the best ever, was that the lady who served me at the link totally thought I was female, even tho I wasn't dressed up in ANY way. I even had to pass her my debit card which unfortunately says 'Mr' (bleagh) on it. I was sooooooo happy, and now I've gotten my 1st official documentation with 'Miss' instead of 'Mr' as my title =D =D =D. Its probably the happiest birthday I'd ever had. At night, we had a hilarious time out hunting for lesbian pubs. Unfortunately, a few of them have been shut, and there's a shortage of lesbian pubs now.

Sat was wild. Not too much I remember about the night. Went to Amanda's house party. Amanda always looks gorgeous. Her hair smells great too. I'd die to look like she does. 1st thing to do tho, is to find out what shampoo she uses. So back to the party, there wasn't much I remember other than drinking copious amounts of alcohol, eating a enormous Kebab, dancing on the armrest of a sofa, lying face down (but very comfortably!) on the floor at one point, and a tall leggy blonde lesbian flirting with me (oooooo!) =D

Anyways its a new week now, and I've gotta start my revision. Exams in may unfortunately, so I guess the partying's gonna be toned down some.

2006-03-25T02:41:00.000Z

Oh I came across this interview with biologist Richard Dawkins which I feel is putting the whole idea about religion very accurately. I'd like to share it with everyone

Why do you think religion is dangerous?

The way it encourages a kind of childlike, slavish obedience is very negative. It teaches people to be satisfied with inadequate answers to profound questions. Thanks to science, we now have such an exciting grasp of the answers to such questions, it's kind of blasphemy not to embrace them.

You blame religion for causing wars. Why do you think this is?

If you're told from the cradle that it's a virtue to believe in something in spite of lack of evidence, that leaves you with nothing but faith. So there is nothing people of opposing faiths can do but disagree. That is bound to cause confrontation.

What evidence is there that religious fundamentalism is on the rise in the USA as well as in the Middle East?

There is the astonishing fact that in the USA not a single member of the Congress will admit to being an atheist-and they wouldn't be elected if they did. Yet if you look at the country's intellectual elite, especially the scientists, 90 per cent of them are atheists. That mismatch is a strange phenomenon in a democracy.

How do you feel about faith in schools?

Ghettoisation is a terrible danger for society. What hope is there when children are segregated and taught their own version of history, with the other people as the bad guys? You're bound to get tribal wars. Every time I hear phrases such as "Catholic child" or "Muslim child", I flinch. There's no such thing. There is a child of Catholic or Muslim parents who, when they're old enough to be able to decide for themselves, may choose to follow a religion.

If there were no religion where would that leave morality?

If your only reason to be good is that you're frightened of a great CCTV in the sky watching your every move, it doesn't say much for you as a person. There is something ancient about the impulse to morality, a strong empathetic tendency in the human mind, with clear Darwinian roots. This genetic empathy came first- religion climbed on the back of it.

It just struck a chord within me as I read the interview. So many things he's pointed out is very true. He is spot on about religions causing wars, spot on about religious fundamentalism being on the rise in USA. After all, if u have Islamic religious fundamentalism on the rise, then there surely must be an action and reaction effect to it, and the rise of Christian religious fundamentalism is it. How is this all supposed to help anyone? Sure they got rid of Saddam but come on who are we kidding? Sure as hell they didn't come after Saddam for the ideals of democracy, freedom and justice.Saddam had to be gotten rid of because he was the central source of stability within Iraq's government. Get rid of Saddam, and the old government collapses, therein creating an opportunity for USA to install an Iraqi government sympathetic to George Bush n cronies' wants and demands. And what do they want? 3 dirty letters: OIL

Faith in schools.... once again Richard is spot on. It seems religion just teaches u that the others are bad guys. And when u teach a young child that, u're teaching him/her to hate. From there, like Richard says: "If you're told from the cradle that it's a virtue to believe in something in spite of lack of evidence, that leaves you with nothing but faith. So there is nothing people of opposing faiths can do but disagree. That is bound to cause confrontation"

Finally, the bit about religion and morality. Once again he's spot on. Its safe to say a religious person need not be moral and a moral person need not be religious. Just look back at the line of Catholic Popes and Cardinals and u'll see thats the truth. Even discounting those who use religion as a means to an end for power, some truely pious Catholic leaders felt it necessary to resort to war, or as they so nicely put it, crusades, to spread the faith. They also felt it necessary to burn 'heretics'. Just ask the Cathar victims of Catholicism, or the Salem witchhunt victims. No amount of religion and religious fervor can justify cold blooded murder.

2006-03-25T02:07:00.000Z

This has been an interesting week. To sum it up, I almost ripped my knee off while clubbin in Ghetto( a club in Soho) so now its fucked, I can't do stairs and I can't walk properly, much less dance. And yet in the very same night, I pulled this really gorgeous hot oriental chick. The only problem was, she's bi, and a slut at that.

See that set me thinking, all the gals i've pulled have been rather slutty ones. Why??? Maybe its my looks. I'm the sort of girl who attracts the sluts? I dunno. Or maybe it's because I look vulnerable? The last 2 times I've pulled, I was in a mood. This time, I damn near lost a leg. So perhaps its being in a vulnerable position that makes me attractive to others. Oh well, I got to pull and shes a hottie while im kinda mingin, so its her loss really and I'm not gonna complain. =P

My uni's Formula Student car is coming along well. I'm waiting for the hoses for the cooling system to arrive to install them. Along the way tho, I'm thinking I've gotta make some modifications. It seems the exhaust system takes up a rather large amount of space and I'm worried about the heat affecting the hoses too... I'll just have to see how it goes. I can't know the exact amount of space I'm left with till Doc is done doing up the exhaust system. The other task on the list for me is to strip down the engine from the FStudent car from a few years ago. Seems the engine got damaged and an analysis would be very helpful in understanding how to improve the performance of our current car. I'm probably gonna use a few days of my easter break and strip it down proper.

I've also probably completed a project that I hope I won't ever have to do again(but i'll probably have many more like this one in future. bugger!) Had to design a bridge to be made out of paper. AND then build it. The process goes like this: Make a few preliminary designs, submit 3 and the calculations for each of them, decide on one, build it and test it. Sounds easy. Bleagh. So not. I designed it, hence, I had to think of how to build it as well. Plus, any problems we had with realising the design, meant that I was the one who had to think up solutions because the design was in my head. Sure I got an autocad 3D model of the design done, but hey, u can't understand a design as well as the one who designed it. So we used rolled up paper tubes n tape, put the damn thing together n then on testing day, the lecturer tells us: Sorry no tape allowed. Man that sure put a dent in the spirits of my group(my group are 4 of the wonderful gals in my course and me). Poor Jen looked like she was going to cry. Oh well... From my racing days, I learned that no matter how bleak things look, u've just got to put yr head down n go for broke. We pulled the bridge apart and then I sat with the de-constructed bridge the entire day and managed to think up a solution. In short, I spent the whole day from 10am to 5pm in the design lab, with the bridge, even ate lunch there, and then when that shut, moved to the motorsport lab where they're building the FStudent car n borrowed it for another couple of hours, before moving to the green study room above the uni's reception for another 2 hours. I spent 11 hours coming up with a solution and implementing it. I've always had an interest in architecture but man this is the 1st time I had a taste of what kinda shit they have to go thru. I have to say thanks guys I love u architects. Thanks to the gals too. Without u I'd never have gotten enough paper rolled in time to realise the design. Our bridge was a properly designed one. It deformed but never broke. Even with 25kg on a damned paper bridge, it flexed back into shape when that was taken off. If it wasn't for a big of paper which wasn't part of the load carrying structure touching the "no structure zone", we'd have easily gone on to 50 and maybe even 100kg. The other designs weren't even bridges. And most of them just collapsed instead of deforming elastically. Man they sux.

Oh I epiliated my legs the other day. I've been so lazy about that. It feels good to have nice smooth legs again. I don't get grossed out when I wear my chemise to sleep at night anymore. It lifted my spirits too! Never underestimate the power of hair removal!

2006-03-12T21:03:00.000Z

Annnnnnd, the 2006 Formula 1 season has started! What a cooking pot this year is squaring up to be. At the top there are 4 cars which seem evenly matched in pace. McLaren, Renault, Honda and Ferrari. Nothing to choose between any of them. Alonso won today with a fabulous drive. Kimi started last and finished 3rd. What a remarkable performance by the 2 youngsters. Today also showed Ferrari's resurgance, but it also showed that Renault has what it takes to take the fight to them, and McLaren, once their reliability has been sorted, will be more than a match too. And joining the fray, is Honda with Jenson looking strong. Midfield looks so evenly matched too! Williams seems to be top of the mids tho, and WHAT a debut by Nico Rosberg! One to watch for the future. Seems this year is going to be good. =D

2006-03-09T21:03:00.000Z

Gee it didn't take long for me to break that promise of 1 blog a week, did it? Sorry about that. Busy times. 3 projects,(one of which I'm a volunteer) and a piece of course work as well. At least one project's over. Weekend is here whoopie, but I'm ill sadly. Still, I might recover enough to go out tomorrow night if I'm lucky. It depends on how I feel. I would probably be working late on the racing car my uni is building, and if I'm tired, I guess I'll stay in.

I still can't wait for the weekend to come though! Why? The 2006 Formula 1 season kicks off this weekend!!! :D

2006-02-17T18:19:00.000Z

Went to Brighton last weekend for the 'End of Winter Pride' events. It was fun I guess, but bar hopping is really not my thing. I don't pick people up at bars and people NEVER pick me up for sure(except straight guys and thats just awful) so I don't see the point of bar hopping. Met with at least 8 or 9 LGBT societies from other unis and guess what? I'm STILL the only 'T' amongst the Ls, Gs and Bs. Heh. Yea sure tell me the bit again about there being a lot of us around :P

Ok jokes aside, we basically went bar hopping on saturday, before going to this club which was having a club night grand opening thing. Unfortunately the music was shit, which was a bad thing. When a club plays shit music, what happens is I get bored. Its bad for me to get bored because its not too long before the shit music finally gets on my nerves, and its a short step for me to go from 'bored' to 'annoyed'. I do admit I get annoyed easily when I'm bored. From 'annoyed', its another short step to 'pissed off' which was what happened, and then it basically went downhill from there. When I'm pissed off, normally tiny things that I don't even notice when I'm not pissed off, will irritate me a lot, and just make me even more pissed off. So it wasn't too long before I was absolutely seething with fury. I wanted to go but my mates wouldn't leave, even though they were finding the music shit as well. And that really added to the fury. To top it all off, when the night was over one of them found his coat missing n we had to wait till everyone was gone from the cloakroom before he was allowed to have a look and se if it was in there. I hope he learnt a lesson and put his coat in the cloakroom the next time.

So we went out where another mate of ours was...... I don't even know wot he was doing, but they decided to go off and eat with some guy he just met and dragged all of us along and that made me madder still, especially SINCE there were lots of places near our hotel that sold food! Anyways they went to this place where the food was supposedly good, but it wasn't, and there were lots of chavs standing around with some crappy cars and nonsense body kits and milk cans for exhaust. I pity those idiots. They've never driven a powerful car before, obviously, or they'd stop trying to show their cars off. One fella had a Rover 216 coupe which he kept revving and driving up and down outside the food shop. Come on boy... have u got no shame? Its alright to drive a 216. Its rubbish to keep showing it off just because u've got a milk can for an exhaust.

Anyways we finally got back to the hotel at 6am, and that sort of ruined my plans for Sunday. I'd planned to get back by 4am, sleep and wake up at 10 to go shopping, have a nice seafood lunch at 1pm, but I ended up waking up at 2pm because we got back so late :(. But then, it was raining too and that sort of meant we couldn't go to the pier for the rides :( We decided to go get lunch, a proper seafood one. That made me happier. Then we got Haggen Daz ice cream and that made me happier. Unfortunately it was Sunday and the shops all close at 4pm. More unfortunately, we forgot that little fact. I'd seen this gorgeous corset in a shop on Saturday and was planning to get it on Sunday. Now, its still in Brighton. *sob*

Oh well, at least we went out to another club where there was this masqerade party going on to mark the official end of Winter Pride. The music was much better, the alcohol was cheaper, I was more drunk, having more fun, and not annoyed. We got so pissed on drinks that by the time the club night ended, we came out, I started playing some proper rock and indie songs on my mobile, and me and my flatmate just took off down the seafront screaming along to the songs. At 4 in the morning. What a hoot. All weekend we've heard nothing but dance and campy pop and cheese. Its fine for gay boys but us gay girls don't quite enjoy that. Maybe the gay clubs in Brighton need to take that into consideration...

So I guess from this trip I personally feel that Brighton's gay scene is not as impressive as I previously thought it was. There weren't many fit people, and most people seemed to be on the campy side. It did made me wonder if the gay rock people are all hiding from the camp madness in Brighton gay clubs. The music was not the best there, and me and my flatmate would both go crazy if we lived there. Thank goodness we live in London, where there is a proper gay rock scene. Of course if there was ever a gay rock scene in Brighton, I would love to live there. I love the sea lots, and I love Brighton Pier as well. I love good seafood too, which u sadly can't find in London. By London I mean zone 1 :P anywhere else is too far. hehe.

2006-02-09T06:06:00.000Z

Well now that I've got everything up and running, I pledge to post at least once a week.

Anyways its time for a small review of the feedback generated by my introductionary post. =)

I do believe some people think I feel like a victim of myself. Well ok. 1stly I'll state that, when I started this blog I aimed to be as brutally honest as possible about things, and that includes being honest about everything I feel, no matter how ugly those feelings might seem. Personally I'm dealing with myself pretty well, and I don't think I'm being a victim of myself. Oh of course there are moments when things get overwhelming and depressing but on the whole, anyone who knew me from last year would be able to say how much progress I've made on not being a victim of myself.

Unfortunately, all that I've said, about the things and treatment I've received from various parties, both straight and queer, are true. Granted, anyone reading has to remember that I come from Singapore(which is not very big on enlightenment on issues like mine, nor open minded, and everyone queer there is in the closet), and that until I was 21 I lived there. There might be more of my kind out there, yes I know, because BBC made a show about it. But I haven't been in the UK that long, I have no idea whatsoever how to contact the M2F lesbian transgirl community, and I have no idea how many of them there are, save for the fact that however numerous, they cannot possibly outnumber lesbians, heterosexual transgirls and straight people. So I must honestly say that everytime people point out to me that there are loads of people like me out there, I have to ask: with comparism to what? a thousand people might seem like a lot, but spread a thousand people over the pastures of Scotland alone and U get like a person to half a million sheep over ever square mile.

Personally I only know someone who is like me, and yes you could ask where the hell I am hiding, but I should be asking where the hell is everyone else like me hiding? Its not like I shut myself up at home and mope. I'm out at gay places every week and while I admit they're more mainstream, the fact that I don't see anyone else like me might seriously make me think that the M2F lesbian transgirl community is either non-existant or in hiding. And then, seriously, blame me for thinking people like me are not as numerous as we actually are.

And anyways, why do we need this sort of segregation? Why do we need a seperate community of our own? Why can't we mix with everyone else? I mean, that kind of borders, I really don't need. It's the sort of borders which prevent lesbians I like(so far) from seeing me as a girl. The sort of girls who would accept me as I am, tend to be from the butch and femme community. And then they're more likely to be butches, which is bad because masculinity repells me. I don't like masculinity because I've had enough of it from my life thus far. I don't need my partner to have more of it. I could be seen as a believer of femme on femme relationships, which I think most people in the butch-femme community seem to frown on. Oh well. Thats the problem with neat gender roles and labels. They don't work.

Speaking of that. I have to say that 1stly, its inaccurate to say I'm wearing TS as a badge. Since I've not started any physical transformation of my sex, I don't think I have earned the honour of being called a TS yet, just a TG. 2ndly, I don't think I'm wearing TG as a badge because for me, TG is a fact. And If that is a fact of my life, why shouldn't I refer to myself as one? That is acceptance for me. Not referring to myself as a TG would not improve things in any way.

Anyways a few people have told me they found my post patronising. They got the impression I was telling them what they think. I have to apologise for that. What I was actually doing was to tell them what I think people think. And since what I think people think is actually my opinion, I am not being patronising. My opinions come from my experiences. And my experiences are valid because they actually HAPPENED. Nobody can deny my experiences because they happened to me, thus my opinions cannot be denied either. Oh sure people can disagree with my opinions, but hey everyone has different experiences in life and I say good for you if your experiences have been more pleasant than mine. Still, I feel that my opinions formed of experiences are as valid as anyone else's, and I should be allowed to be as honest and as frank as I want to be here. =)

2006-02-06T07:42:00.000Z

Oh by the way, I wasn't planning on starting this blog this early. I meant to do up the background and all the images proper before doing the 1st post, but something just spurred me to it. An old friend of mine whom I haven't met since 2001 was on my friendster and he gave me a fairly nasty remark. To be honest it hurt me quite a bit, and saddened me as well. I guess some friends aren't really friends afterall...

2006-02-06T05:35:00.000Z

Well it’s up! My 1st official post. Hi everyone. I'm Emily. I'm a student studying in London. I'm Chinese-Thai and I come from Singapore.

I'm a M2F transgirl lesbian. Yes I know that sounds awfully complicated, but it’s easy to understand once I show most of you the way towards understanding. Believe me. Now in our world today, there are soooooo many misconceptions. It’s sad, I guess, but what brightens my day is that everyday I meet more and more people who are doing their best to spread knowledge and enlightenment amongst society.

So.... let me talk about a big misconception. This is a very very common misconception that society has. The notion that gender-identity AND sexuality are linked.

Right, let’s make this simple. Most people, including most of you dear readers,(good for you if you belong to the minority, however numerous a minority that is) think that if a man fancies women, he's straight. Right? Oh dear. Wrong. Most of you think that when a guy fancies a guy, he is gay? Wrong again! Oh dearie me. Ok. What do most people understand about sexuality? To be gay is to love someone of the same gender, is often the common interpretation. I beg to differ. Imagine a girl, but she's ALWAYS known inside that she was meant to be a guy. She LOVES guys. But psychologically, she likes them as a guy HERSELF (himself?). Now seriously. Would u call this girl straight? I wouldn't. No way Jose. Uh-uh. She would 1stly be considered transgendered. She would be a F2M (that's female to male for those of you unfamiliar with transgender lingo). So...... if she is F2M, we call her a transguy. Opps! Now do most of you u see why we can't say she (he) is straight? Because she's a he! And if a he loves a he, what do we call that? We call that homosexuality! And there we have it. A homosexual male trapped in a female body.

So, in my case, I am a lesbian trapped in a male body. Oh the horrors. I'll talk more about this later. I know that many of u might still not be convinced. I know people think I am out to get attention. That I'm desperate for girls. That I'm have a lesbian fetish even. I know people think that of me ALL the time. And it’s sad. And hurtful, because they don't KNOW me. I didn't see some lesbian girls get it on one day and think "hey that's kewl, I wanna be a lesbian" No. I will say this and I mean it: I often wish so badly that I was just a male homosexual, or just a heterosexual male, or even a heterosexual transgirl (meaning M2F who likes men). U have no idea the amount of shit I would not need to face in my life if that were so. I spent basically the last 4 years exploring and understanding myself, about who I am inside. I honestly was as skeptical as you are, dear audience, when I 1st came upon the term "male lesbian".

What IS a male lesbian? The definition I found in a psychology book, in a nutshell, is:

A male who often wishes or feels like he is lesbian, and frequently feels he should have been born female, although now he has no desire to physically become female himself.

I researched more, and I came up with the conclusion that if there are guys who feel this way but don't want a sex-change, there must be guys who feel this way AND want a sex change too. Right? And from there, I found out thru more research and some luck that there ARE transgendered lesbians. I got the answer I had been looking for so badly one night when a program on BBC1 talked specifically about transgay people, such as the male homosexuals trapped in a female body and the lesbians trapped in a male body. They talked about how not only was understanding for their situation short in coming, but how even the gay AND transgendered community marginalized them as well. Because, ignorance is not only prevalent amongst straight people, gay and transgendered people can be quite ignorant too! For example, many transgirls I know of, wouldn't consider someone a transgirl unless they liked guys. But hey, if I genuinely feel like a girl inside but I fancy girls, what do they want to call me? Maybe just pretend I don't exist, so they can keep their own little mental image of their "transgender" label neat and tidy? The problem with labels are that they're hardly ever as simple as they seem are they? And lesbians. Oh for crying out loud. To them, anything with a dick is male, nevermind that the "thing" in question hates that dick so much that she would gladly whack her dick off with a knife if it didn't involve bleeding to death after that.

Anyways I do consider myself a femme in terms of looks. But honestly labels are hard to give when my interests include lots of interests view by society as being "male". I like cars and racing, I raced go karts semi-pro for 3 years. I would still do it if I wasn't studying now, and I would race cars in future if I could, female or not. I like guns, knives, weapons and military things. I like things like extreme sports and of course I love computer games. The problem with that, is that when people find out, they tend not to take me seriously as a transgender. They tell me things like "Dude u're so obviously male. U're just confused" Well, 1stly there is NO rule that says girls can't like those things. 2ndly, how can we judge a person's gender by what they like? That is absurd. An individual's interest doesn't have to conform to social gender roles! That is, in my opinion, unwanted, as it prevents people from being who they are, and I am me. And sometimes it's very depressing because, before I knew about myself, I wasn't allowed to really indulge in my feminity, which has ALWAYS been there. I've always sort of knew in a sense that I was a girl inside, since I was 3. Acknowledging that is an entirely different matter. After knowing that I am MLTG, I have to be more 'girly' that I really am, just to be taken seriously as a transgender. I think that is absolutely depressing. I am sick of having to hide my interests, or having to hide my transgender status. In the past, if I told people I was transgender online, I wouldn't tell them my interests. If I told them my interests, I would just let them assume I'm actually a real girl, not a transgender. Today, in this blog, I will tell people BOTH and I want people to know that I am ME. I don't have to act in any ways dictated by traditional social gender roles to prove anything. Down with social gender roles!!!

And there is, sort of, in a nutshell, MY problems. All the crap that comes along with being a M2F lesbian transgirl. Don't get me wrong, I've already accepted who I am, but I still feel resentful at times at the shitty cards I've been dealt with in life. I mean, why not straight, why not just gay or transgendered, why transgendered gay? Man someone up there's got a morbid sense of humor. So when I say I didn't choose to be who I am just because I like lesbians, please believe me.

To be honest, one of the things about being a M2F lesbian transgirl (ok lets call it MLTG for short. My fingers hurt!) is that, I worry a lot that people think I am doing it because of the sex. Now which guy doesn't have fantasies of screwing lesbians? I'm sure many guys do (sorry I know u guys too well, I was once part of your 'side' remember?) The thing is I am honestly honestly not in this for the sex. In fact ever since I accepted being MLTG, I have just become more abhorrent of sex. Before I realised I was a MLTG, I've always been a nice person. I won't say I'm a prude because it was something that I was ok with. Like if I knew a friend wasn't a virgin no more, I would maybe make fun of him but that’s about it. It wouldn't bother me. For myself though, it wasn't quite my thing. Call me hopelessly foolish, but I do want my 1st time to be as perfect as possible (see, evidence that I'm a girl. U don't often get guys who wish that) I had a steady girlfriend before, and right from the start we actually made a pact not to have pre-marital sex. Of course, we petted and stuff, but that was when I started to realize things about myself. More about this later. Anyways, while I was still in the dark about myself, I'm not like most guys who are perpetually horny and think only with their dicks. But ever since knowing I'm MLTG, it has become something that is quite unthinkable for me. I just worry that people think I am doing this because I want to have sex with lesbians. The truth is, of course I do want to have sex with lesbians. But I want to have sex with them as a lesbian myself. And she must be someone special, I'm not a whore. I have no desire to use my er.... equipment and indulge in penetrative sex. It really is not my thing. Back when I had a girlfriend, we petted. I won't be ashamed to say that I fingered her and that she gave me handjobs. But oddly, I never really enjoyed my handjobs. And before u start slagging her off as a lousy handjob-er, don't. She was fantastic. Its just that, for me, it didn't feel right. I got so much more of a high from frenching with her, hugging her, and well... fingering her. I did not like the reciprocal attention down south. That was one of he 1st signs I noticed in my adult life. Anyway, so what I am saying is, I have no desire to have "straight sex" with any girl, much less a lesbian. But do not mistake this for not liking girls. I do fancy them. I fancy girls SO much! I just don't fancy having "straight sex" with them. Lesbian sex? I can handle.

Of course, the problem with this all, is that, it depends a lot on what the lesbians think too. And I'm often just so worried that they would think I'm just out to satisfy some straight male fantasy of screwing lesbians. I'm not like that. Like I said, I'm not a whore. Not that much of one anyway. I love kisses especially French kisses, but sex, lesbian or straight or whatever, still HAS to be with someone I love at least. But the thing is, people can often misunderstand you and your intentions or motivations, just from their own prejudices or misinformation. And I have faced such accusations in the past, and gotten unfriendly looks when they find out I am physically male. I make it a point to tell all the girls I meet, early on, that I am a MLTG. What’s the point of getting in too deep and then her finding out and basically just destroying your hopes? It would just hurt more. So I am always truthful and let them know, and of course some of them are kewl about it, more of them turn cold or nasty once they know. The thing all of them have in common is that nobody really wants me as someone more than a friend after they find out. Sigh.

Oh yes I know you might be wondering why I need to tell them, can't they see that I am obviously a "guy in drag"? Well, to be honest, I pass very well. My looks are natural. I have not done any sort of enhancements, taken any sort of hormones at all, other than growing my hair long. Oh I know people from Singapore might say they find my looks "manly" but that’s Singapore. In London, people mistake me for a real girl all the time even when I'm not dressed up as a girl. The problem is, I like my eyebrows as they are. I trim and pluck them some, but I don't think the really thin female eyebrows are for me. And anyway I think its totally silly that my eyebrows decide if I look female or male, when a lot of girls I know don't give a damn about their eyebrows and look like girls anyway. Besides, people who say I look 'manly' mostly say that AFTER I've told them I'm a MLTG(that's M2F Lesbian Transgirl in case u forgot). Sooooo.... personally? I think I pass well enough. And that is why I always have to tell the lesbians I meet in clubs that I'm MLTG.

U might think its a blessing that I pass so well. Actually, it can be a bad thing. I figured, if I actually looked like a manly guy in drag, then the girls I approach would know that I am TG right? And if they didn't fancy me they'd let me know right from the start when I try to flirt with them. And if they like me, well hurrah for everyone. The problem is, I look so much like a real girl that, hey, I have no way of telling if she actually knows I'm not a real girl or not. And then if I flirt with her, there is NO way I can tell if she's someone who won't be thrilled that the girl she likes has something extra down there. Right? And even if she finds out and she's ok with it, it still makes me uncomfortable because I want to be loved as a girl. I don't want girls to want me just because I'm a fun freakshow they can show their girlfriends. Or worse. What if she likes me as a guy? I don't think I can take that, honestly. So what all this does is that it fucks my mind up, and I just can't find the strength in me to make a move on girls I fancy. Indeed, I can't even find the strength within me to fancy girls much nowadays. Fancying someone for me, is like a passing comment that "She's cute" and then I force myself to take my eyes off her and look away. I have to kill my lust for people I fancy(yes I call it lust. lust can be non-sexual too), and turn myself into an asexual, loveless, emotional person. I feel like an Ice Queen, with a heart of the coldest blackest ice, floating out in the frosty chills of outer space, floating forever into oblivion. And this problem won't go away till I get my op. Which is a long long way away. I have to graduate from University 1st, and then get a job, and then save up, and by then I'll be old, and I will never have a chance to ever experience fancying anyone in my youth ever again.

So I guess if u've actually read this far(wow! U deserve a candy for that!) U should really know that if I had a choice, I would choose not to be MLTG, and yet at the same time, I am unique, I am me, and I am not sure I would choose not to be me if I could choose. I am telling u that M2F lesbian transgirls like me exist, and that life for us, while quite interesting at times, can be a very painful journey of discovery, and then of acceptance, and finally of hardship. I just hope that U can read all this with an open heart, and not start condemning me for being a "faggot" "queer" "going against nature" or being "not normal" "immoral". Lets just say that life is not what you think it is, and I doubt if you've ever explored it the way I did. U'd be surprised how much being transgendered AND lesbian can open your eyes to the things u were blind to before. And ultimately, I would also say, do not cast the 1st stone unless you are beyond reproach. I will borrow a line from Christianity here(although I am no Christian): Everyone is a sinner. So I believe, I have about as much right to judge you as you have to judge me.

Well that’s all for this introductionary post. In future they'll be shorter of course. Thanks for reading =)

P.S. And sorry if I say "in a nutshell" wayyyyy too much.